A Month of Gratitude

During the silent retreat I took with my dear friend last weekend

I thought I'd spend the time deepening my sense of gratitude, accentuating the positive

and generally fortifying this miraculous place I find myself building inside.

Instead, I ended up working through some really difficult issues

centering around being safe in my community

and building the gift of self-reliance.

The mental chatter was deafening, the fantasy enactments of healing

and struggle vivid in my mind's eye...

'this is your brain on silence', I wrote.

There's been a palpable vulnerability since I've returned

which I do not fear per se, but it has made for some tender moments

where I've wondered if it's time to ask for help

to vanquish these dragons.

I rationalized that I've spent too much time with them, trying and failing to shake off the feelings

of guilt and fear, but in 14 hours of silence you are excavating, writing and discovering

your history in order to experience a brighter now, five hours from now.

It's work -

When you dig, expect to dust off a few relics.

Unexpectedly, I am coming to find these struggles not just a pesky background noise anymore, but instead a series of archetypes that make me feel every struggle we know

is as old as the hills of Petaluma;

that person

that place

those things...

everyone throughout time has engaged in the self-same mental acrobatics

to heal the rifts, some with great success, others with a map of failure

well-documented -

a cautionary tale to those who venture later into the same labyrinth.

I am grateful that I do not have to feel alone in my search for betterment,

in this delicious breaking open to grow.

November for me is going to be a month of thanksgiving, never mind that we're already three days in - it's never too late to celebrate the reality of wonder.

For today, I am grateful for Pamela and Renew Yoga

a place where discovery and self-work are encouraged

with tenderness and care.

Thank you for such an amazing opportunity to learn and grow alongside 13 other

like-minded and seriously powerful women on this retreat...

and for the song of Grandmother Oak.

What are you grateful for today?

xoxoxo,

Allison