"Baby, this is..."

From the time that I first found out I was pregnant, I began telling the little

then-blueberry sized boy, "Baby, this is ___________!"

the blank would be filled in with

downward dog

or

fresh carrots

or

the smell of a rose from our yard

little snippets of life

narrated way before he could even hear.

Surely over the last few days he's felt the sharp inward pull of my muscles as I lean into

the waves I ride...

"Baby," I say, "this is grief".

I want to tell him

that it is a natural and normal part of life,

and that he should fear it no more than he should joy

or balance or anger.

.

Since Friday our magnificent young Jones has slowed down so much.

He who used to rattle all the blinds around the house at 5 a.m.,

whose door knocking and impatient call would ritualistically follow my shower like clockwork

is quiet and sleeping nearly all the time.

Anthony and I have been weighing the possibilities that may come tomorrow

when he gets sedated and checked fully with an ultrasound...

we have been trying to cope with the fact that we may not, even then, know quite what is going on

with his little body

but we are hoping we will

and that decisions can be made that will be the right blend

of unselfish

and completely stubborn.

For now I've said everything I've ever wanted to say to him

and I hope that he understands just how loved he is

and what joy he has brought to our lives.

I've had so much support from you and my animal-loving friends

who completely understand this purgatory we find ourselves in:

thank you.

Words cannot express what it means to hear your stories

and wisdom.

I hope to be given an update tomorrow

that brings great news or at least great peace

so that I can breathe and say out loud to my Orion

"Baby, this is a miracle."

xoxo,

Sunny