How We Are

I've wanted to write here every day and

share the joy or the concern therein

but I've been learning that I can't;

instead I've worked like a madwoman, escaping into ever widening circles and patterns on leather and metal.

It's roller coaster enough here in my heart, I am certainly not going to

get you all excited and then crash you over and over again.

This is all to say that we are full of highs and lows, and instead of growing frustrated with them, I am trying with all my grit (and I am gritty as all hell)

to have patience.

Yesterday we took a calculated risk considering the state of Jones's heart

and went to the vet for a fluid tap to see if we could get him more comfortable.

1.5 liters of fluid were drained; I know, I know it seems impossible...

he was a champ all through the process, outwardly calm and patient with everyone involved

and the level of comfort that he is experiencing now is amazing as compared to before the visit:

he greeted me at the door today when I came home from a walk.

I picked him up as I've always done and he laid his head on my shoulder as if he were normal

except there was no purring

and he has that haunted look of one not well

but I celebrated anyway

in my heart;

balloons, chocolate cake, one more moment of normalcy with my little man.

Heavens, don't let me cling!!

Janey has been such a good girl through all of this,

a dedicated darling nearly always perched on my lap.

She spends the day with me in my studio, enjoying the big comfy chair

as Jones gets the couch all to himself, a coup!

Something of significance that this time of weighty decisions

has gifted us with:

deference.

I have been unsure of the difference between instinct and fear in my heart of late;

the masquerade ball is in full effect, and just when I've convinced myself that something is so definitely instinct

it rips off its mask and shouts, "Aha!! Fear wins again!"

in an upper-crust British accent, drunk with glee!

Oh, dear....

so when it came to the decision to tap the fluids, I deferred to my husband who was passionately for it: I would rather we had regret than resentment,

wondering what could have been if we had only tried...

Partnership is amazing that way; when you falter, there is someone else there to help

things balance out and vice versa.

.

So that is where we are, this is the state of things...

constantly in flux

given to random bouts of joy and fitful tears,

considering the lightness and weight of the daily

with as much grace as our prayers afford.

We are well, we are tougher than we knew (both two and four-legged)

and perhaps that

is the miracle we've hoped for all along.

With Love,

Allisunny