Wherein the Bean(s) is Spilled

I sit here in my parent's house, Minneapolis, MN

Tapping away at this older keyboard in hopes of eloquently sharing news of an impending life change: I know that it won't come out with the grace and charm I wish, simply because

I am waist deep in the kind of nausea that makes you pray

for well-being

and clarity

but mainly leaves you feeling as though you're stuck in molasses

and a bit of danger!

Two days after I made the fertility totem ring I took my third and final

pregnancy test

after the first two came back negative

(I purchased them from Whole Foods - who does that???)

I knew something was different with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it:

I didn't feel sick

but I found myself caring less and less about petty shit

standing in my kitchen feeling

roots

grow down out of the soles of my feet into Mother Nature's bloodstream.

"Whoa!", I'd exclaimed,

like Bill or Ted on a whole new Excellent Adventure...

I chatted up the checkout folks at the grocery store without blushing

found compassion bubbling up

and the impossibility of having enemies

moreso than ever before

because no rancor could touch this love I felt.

I figured it was the Tibetan Heart Yoga finally kicking in after nearly a year

or

the fruits of meditation

something clear, generous and warm had given me a gift

and it would seem a pregnancy test,

hastily purchased at the corner 7-11 (we keep our preg test purchases classy, you can see!) by my husband that Thursday morning

would shed all the light I needed to see.

It's a baby!

With a heartbeat that

left Anthony and I breathless and moved to tears last week when it

pulsed its stong sound across the confines of my womb to a waiting device...

I suffer for carrying:

the first trimester is tough going in some ways,

but I feel like I've joined some sort of unofficial club

whose members number the trillions

throughout history:

I am touching a beautiful commonality

with some of my best girlfriends

and total strangers.

I know I should wait until I am at 13 weeks,

but here at 8 I am so overwhelmed with physical challenge

that my work schedule (upon return)

will need tinkering

and you'll need to understand my limited capabilities.

Should anything happen and this tiny soul decide this is not the right fit

as can happen,

I also want my tribe here:

I will not suffer in silence a loss so astute

though I feel a great sense of admiration and love for women and men

who chose that as their path:

it is very brave.

So far I've tried:

Sea Bands (liking them!)

Zofran

Ginger candies and chews

peppermint tea

tiny meals

crackers by the bed

music everywhere

hard sour candies (helpful!)

and meditation...

So far, I am aware that some miracles just simply defy

the normal approach.

I pray alot,

I love with a tearful passion

and I turn my head to God daily in grateful acknowledgement.

I ask, I offer

and for as long as I am allowed by heaven and earth,

I grow this life

in awe.

Love you,

Allisunny