We went for a walk on the night of the 4th
Orion in the carrier
Anthony and I in conversation
reminiscing about family outings past, what we did as kids...
mostly we marveled at the sound of bottle rockets and firework displays near and far.
In between sentences I looked down and there on the corner of 14th street
was a perfect massive carpenter bee - the biggest I'd ever seen, easily two inches long
with a large wingspan and the neatly-tucked-frozen-forever legs of the dead.
Anthony carried it home for me in his palm
and did the delicate surgery and burial we have come to know well with winged things whose lives are done.
Even the slightest breath from my nostril sends the solo wing skyward; amazing how even without a body to carry the function is still so perfect, God's design so whole.
.
.
.
I've begun the dig-
Meditation every day for 20 minutes
chewing through thoughts without rushing
and asking humbly for a soft heart while I do this hard sweatless work.
There is a sour truth that has become apparent: no one had flung it at me in argument like a weapon,
it just suddenly made sense, all of these years of running:
I want only to love the best version of a person - the ideal paragon of virtue and kindness
whose secret thoughts are clean and worldly actions stainless...
We've all been dashed against the rocks of real life enough to understand this is folly, but I've stubbornly clung to the possibility that we can all play nice, all the time.
Lord knows I've kicked and screamed and acted indignant that those I love are flawed,
that I am, too...
I have punished transgressors
by removing myself
by withholding love and warmth
clammed up
shut down
hitch-hiked out of town
hated the mirror's image when weakness reflected back
events of late have forced a respite, thank God: one can only edit life so much before it loses the wildness and soul of both street life and untouched deep woods.
In this gentler place I am simply showing up
for imperfect me
and imperfect you
trying to detach from hopes and expectations
in favor of organic creation
in favor of living now.
xo,
A
