Not the 'yes' as in "would you like fries with that?" or "Yes, I think I will stock up on leeks, they're so good in soup."
This is not an everyday 'yes' to which I've spent countless hours tooling a valentine -
it's a Holy Yes
"Yes, I will redefine my worth in ways that feel better to me"
"Yes I will hear this diagnosis and keep breathing"
"Yes I will carry and raise a child"
"Yes I will strike out on my own"
"Yes I will take this lifelong vow and honor it well"
"Yes I will die and live with that knowledge soulfully"
Holy holy holy
You may notice that the 'e' is backwards. That gorgeous letter represents the mid-point of the epic 'yes' journey, the part where one understandably wants so badly to take back the initial resolve
and throw in the towel, go back to 'no' or normal or get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here-anywhere-will-do!!
It's where shit gets real. The 'e' part. It's where a lot of players fold and with good reason - the mid-point of a Holy Yes can feel like Dante's writing your life as you live it.
It can feel like everything is and will always go terribly wrong.
People go back on their word.
You get so so so so sick.
I don't blame you for turning around at 'e', you will not find that decision puts you in a lonely room:
so many life stories have that turning point.
Maybe someone chose something a little more familiar and safe - that does not make their experience any less valid: it just doesn't make it a complete Holy Yes.
When you turn around at 'e' you are so very human.
But oh dear friend....
oh sweet loved one of mine
if you keep going at 'e' when it hurts so bad you cannot breathe
when the devil's got your big toe
and the water's up around your mouth
something amazing will happen.
It might not happen at the very moment you decide to keep going in that painful place.
It could take daysweeksyears before the reward of that courage comes to fruition:
grace grows at its own pace.
I did not mean for that to rhyme but whatever
because I cannot stop to change a silly word
when I am here to convince you to keep going:
I will keep going, too
Beautiful, if you keep going
the boat rights itself eventually
and you live the in beautiful glow of dedication.
Even if your Holy Yes is rough and tumble
there is a warmth that suffuses a whole being
when you keep going past the valley of the shadow of 'e'.
Someone I love is married and it's a terrible match most of the time
but she stays and though for some people that sounds punitive and unthinkable
to her it is like weight-lifting for her soul:
she is finding strength and love in places she would have never gone
if the road was steady and easy.
My own Holy Yes was deciding to have and raise a babe. My 'e's come from daily things and fears of the overall picture
and when I breathe through them
I swear I can feel my little spirit grow
like the little sprouts that come up between tomato branches
I know you have a Yes so big and beautiful.
I hope you are living it
and if you've not done that yet
I hope you will
and find yourself lifted
and rushing blood in your veins
and life sweet life
embracing you with wide arms
everything a chorus
I built this clutch
out of veg-tooled leather
and turquoise pig suede
10 X 2 X 5
of Arizona turquoise water-drop-cabbed
and wrapped expertly in fine and sterling silvers
and knife cuts
and hand set rivets and stitching
of dyes and light-body acrylic paints
and more love than I could ever
explain or express.
I am a wife and proud mama, a leathercrafter, silversmith and singer/songwriter living in the Bay Area with my wonderful little family in a century-old cottage.
Here you'll find my honest and sometimes profane thoughts on motherhood, love and work.