Revival

So, I have a question, and she is a valid one. Why is it that every time I hit a slow week I lose confidence and faith that this indie artist thing can be done? This has happened every month or so for a paltry six months, but the only reason it didn't happen before that time was the fact that I was too afraid to leap into what I knew would be a wave pattern: you must have the ups, and then come the downs.
In the 'ups' I am fearless, on fire... easy to laugh and quick to sleep.
When I am in the trough of the wave I lose trust that there will be another upsurge, that life isn't monochromatic...I lose sight of the pendulum swinging the other way.
Somehow I'd like to trust more. I am certain that somewhere a deity must laugh at me for my middling thoughts because they (the thoughts) are so silly -- AND doomsday -- which doesn't help since I live in L.A. and the apocolyptic possibilties are endless!!!!!
I have drawn several conclusions as my last slow week ( two weeks ago ) left me with some understanding I hadn't gotten in earlier dunkings. These are my notes to my self. Ahem:

1. I am lonely. I work out of my home. I used to be a receptionist for a large company, which was slightly painful, but easier because I adore people. I really, really do. My cats and houseplants will never be able to receive my scintillating conversation the way I'd like them to, which means I have to get out of the house for at LEAST two hours every day.

2. Dismal begets more of the same. When things suck, practice gratitude. The list of things I love and fold into my heart is endless. If the fear hits, remember you have been here before....here in the trough. Check your pulse: you are still pumping blood, which means you survived the previous down-time. Get to listing, chica!!

3. I must stop looking at online gossip sites!!! Ack!!! What a waste of time!! And no, you ( I ) cannot use the excuse that you are trying to find out what the latest fashions are by way of the bedraggled celebrities out getting their morning coffee. You are supporting a terrible trade, missy!!!!

4. Exercise is essential to a healthy mind as well as a healthy body. Keep it up :) And walks on the beach totally count, by the way.

5. What if I gratefully look at this time of quiet in my store as a sort of vacation? A time to fill the larder, figure out tax stuff, grow in other directions?

6. Desperation smells like garbage. Trust is like Chanel Number 5. No one will be able to tell me what I need to do differently. In times of confusion seek thy own counsel. And maybe thy Mom's.

7. You can totally do this thing, I know :)


So next 'slump' period I am going to re-read my list and remember that I have been in this place before and it is nothing to be feared. Perhaps someday I may even learn how to celebrate it :)

Something New

I had an idea that I just couldn't shake, something about a necklace that curved around the neck, made completely of leather.
Yesterday, just like when I am writing a song that comes out in completion, the necklace just kinda appeared out of the leather with the help of my shears. I just sat and let it be what it wanted, and what it really wanted to be was a peacock feather.
I know that sounds silly, but I think sometimes listening to the ideas of a supposedly inanimate object is the smartest thing.
I wish I had taken advice from my teddy bear regarding my high school boyfriend ;)

"Do you have.....the WING?"

Yes, finally, We do :)
When Anthony proposed to me he gave me my wedding band: he wanted me to choose my own ring, as he is aware of my desire for certain things:
1. Moissanite
2. A combination of white gold and yellow gold
3. Opals

So I found an incredible artist online. His name is Kevin Jones and he makes the most beautiful stuff. In Shawnee, Oklahoma.
Let me know if you need his info :)

Crikey!!!

So, I made this necklace a loooooong while back: my first Koi. Sigh. So much fun :) I have just had a few requests for redos, but the only problem is this: when I googled the item to see if it got press anywhere, I notice that its price is $38.00 dollars. I sell them for 59-74 depending on chain and stones. Always have. The problem, is that I sold that particular item to a wonderful buyer who requested the leather fish only -- no chain, no sterling pendant, just the fish, and she is a lovely woman so I cut the price down from what I would charge for the fish alone.
So now people are looking thinking that the cost of the necklace should be 38 dollars. This is awkward and I am referring everyone who asks to this blog entry so they don't get the wrong idea about my pricing.
ACK! Thanks, internets for your sheer informational staying power :P
Thanks a LOT ;)

Fade to Light

I learned a new technique today, self-taught. It was not as hard as I imagined it would be: I am making a custom order for a rock star, and I wanted it to have a very special element; the initials fading to pale. It turned out well, and I was holding my breath the entire time. Two different shades of antique + lots of water + a furrowed brow = the result!

Malaise

Every once in a while it happens to someone who creates, to someone who parents, to anyone whose purpose feels strong and stalwart...the mental fumble, the tide going out: the lapse in confidence that feels like trying to breathe underwater.
It's happened to me musically enough times that I totally don't fear it: I just go forward understanding that maybe it is best to take a solid break of two days: walk the beach, read that book, concentrate on the baking of a good pie.

Leather-wise it's happened once before on a custom order, and the end result was fantastic and I grew. Today I stumbled on the harder thoughts again. The catalyst was something so silly and non-threatening, really. Subsequently, I wondered if all was well, if it is really possible to make a living doing leather. I am always wanting to make everyone happy while knowing that statistically it's really hard to do.
I have always tried to prepare myself for the things that are harder, for the things that make you wince. Four years in NYC and going on five in L.A. and I still get way-laid by the very things I need to learn how to brush off. See, the flip side of what we all want to do is that it can break your heart: when I had a corporate job it was easy to complain, simple enough to do OK, to remain distant from my tasks. I found my prayers were always, "Someday I want to work from my heart and make the things that I see in my dreams and live my creative potential fully." Now I see that when you get there and you are doing those very things that you cannot BELIEVE you are lucky enough to do there's a doubt that steals in sometimes, unbidden. And the fact IS that the more of your love and devotion you put into your art or your music or your child, the more you have invested ( by simply caring passionately ) and the sharper the sting when someone's unhappy. Or when the feedback's not so hot. Or when you can't get the little one to stop crying.

It's a leaden softness, a general blanketed feeling, a need for cocoa and a good cry...I like to think at those moments grace comes and 'leads me home' as the hymn so astutely puts it. For whatever reason a well needs refilling and I need to sit quietly and see what comes...to pray for rain and strength.

Early Morning Meteor Shower

There are very few things I will wake up for at 3:00 in the shucky-darn-ding-dong morning. I almost missed one of them today when Anthony's phone alarm went off...all I could think was how unfair it was to have slept only two hours thus far...but I shrugged on a huge sweater and wrapped my hair in a silk scarf and we were off on our early morning drive to Malibu. I had never seen a meteor shower. After seeing that first bright streak across the sky, the leavings of some distant comet, I was breathless with joy: nothing quite like the sight. It dwarfs you, stuns and lulls you. I saw at least seven: this was a rare and sparse storm.
We watched for an hour and some change and drove home at 5:30 A.M. to reconnect with our still-warm bed. I am groggy and filled with cupcake ( Sprinkles has been ousted: there is a new cupcake sheriff in town that answers to "Yummy Cupcakes". Sorry Beverly Hills, I know you're hurtin' for commerce ;) ) and the renewed realization that life is sweet and wonder is still abundant at nearly thirty. I'll read this and laugh when I'm eighty and still surprised by life's Cracker Jack prizes. If there is word of a meteor shower near you, don't grumble -- nay! -- LEAP from your bed at the appointed hour and rush to the car. I promise it will recharge you in every way :)