Friday, August 15, 2014

The Pause Before the Breath

We did it. Anthony's game ships in just four months and the 'sprint' is wearing down to just 
nearly-normal work hours.
The garden has half its contents still thriving in that crunchy August way that smells like decay.
I will miss those cucumbers so much.

O and I leave on Monday morning for a family vacation that was been desperately needed for so long.
Everything sold is shipped or waiting in boxes to be sent out with that wonderful push-pull that always
happens with my work, when the process has been so full of love that I am both thrilled and aching at once to see them go.

It feels like I've tied a strand of baker's twine around this life,
so neatly, so carefully.

Here it is, in my palm held out like an offering to God
from an eager Girl Scout.


Early this week I had a horrifying almost-accident on the freeway (driving by myself thank you Jesus)
that snapped me like a pea and reset my compass.
True north.
I can wait five extra minutes in the bathroom while we potty train…
I can bake that loaf of bread 
I can put less task in my list
because there's not a swell of strings when the show's over
it's just over
and when that black luxury car swung wildly and without warning into my lane and I danced blindly to the left over lines
(miraculously empty of cars in rush hour traffic)
had anything been different my current experience of life would be vastly
Who knows what it would have looked like…
all I know is yes, I will have that cake today
and yes, I will attempt a 125 lb squat even though I get all hot just thinking about it.
I will forgive.
I will heal the broken bits.
I will really make Jeep noises with Orion when we play.

In the middle of September I get my first session for a tattoo I've long dreamed of.
A protector. Big. On my arm.

All these things I've been waiting for…they're all coming 'round to call.
And I am dreaming again for SunnyRising, dreaming big
and making plans and designs.

Picturing studio space
and brand-grounding things like stamps and packaging...

picturing the day I show my son how to stamp
and how to make a bracelet for himself.

Picture myself remembering to consult true north before I act or speak
because you know how nothing holds you in breathess wonder forever
even though in a moment of miracle you're like, "I will NEVER go back to the old ways!!"
and two months later you're covered in Dorito dust binging on sitcoms.

So yeah, we're going to go sit by a lake and squeeze hands
and take grandma-powered coffee breaks
and kettle bell classes

In the meantime I don't know if it's ever felt so good to twiddle my thumbs
and pack slowly

I hope you all have the most special and sweet few weeks



Joanna DeVoe said...

I am so HAPPY that almost accident unfolded the way it did & that we still have you here to dispense your lovely words of wisdom. NAMASTE, pretty mama -xo

Candace Morris said...

Dorito dust and sitcoms.

Using that as my band name.

(Need I say it, I am glad you are still here. And I am glad these words are here, I need them. Keep doing it.)