Monday, July 30, 2012

Interior Ladders.

Every once in a while I like to fancy that I have graduated from my own darkness, that my last descent was surely the end of that stuff; only blue skies from now on.

It's easy during those Halcyon days - easy to forget the presence of Grief and Despair and so hard to let go of the last light moment and answer when they knock unexpectedly on a Sunday afternoon.

Interior Ladder #4

"Oh, Shi- I mean, 'hello!'", you say with a false brightness all the while wondering how long they'll stay and if their boots are as muddy as they look and is that a steamer trunk full of clothes for you to mend? Really?

Yes, it is. Yes they are as dirty as you may have thought and indeed they will track a thick layer of unwash over everything you once found crisp and folded and tidy and yours.

Interior Ladder #1

Rung by rung you will descend past annoyance down through gritted teeth and frustrated tears until at last (weeks past your tantrums and surrender) these unwelcome Holy Visitors hold up a mirror to your bare, haunted and beautiful face and the reflection shows a depth of spirit that revives your will

Until what once drove you batshit now barely catches your eye

Until you've cried a river you could skate away on (ah, Joni..)

Until you understand that you are in the presence of God's most mysterious work when the darkness descends.

Interior Ladder #3

This series is entitled 'Interior Ladders' and I wish most for the pieces therein to impart a sense of fearlessness in the woman who wears them.

A recurring theme in my metal and leather work is aspiring to a sense of self-held grace no matter where we find ourselves; from Ruin to Redemption, a place to reside.

Back in March only weeks after the birth of Orion a dear friend asked if I'd like to take a class with her entitled 'Painting on Enamel' up in Mendocino and despite my fatigue and fears I answered 'yes' without hesitation (and with a lot of active encouragement from my In-Loves who made the trip possible in so many ways). How was I to know that in the affirmative yelp I had built a rung out of thin air? 

I use it now, that ladder, those enameled pieces to travel up and down the daily challenges and rewards of motherhood and artistry.
Interior Ladder #2

I built these necklaces (loaded with symbols and care) in the hope that they help your proverbial feet and hands move up and down the emotional longitude with ease.

Inquiries are welcome Here.


A Personal Note:

It took a couple months of running myself sore to understand that there was something amiss inside, something bigger than just simply being a bit 'off'-
no amount of bloating my schedule was going to keep it at bay, in fact the more I ran the faster and more toothy 'it' grew.

'It', I suspect is something hormonal. Anxious, on overdrive. I've made the choice to introduce therapy to the equation and a blessed few days per week of in-home childcare: I am working on being gentle with these soft spots. Working to understand and accept this lower-rung experience in all its Divine Muck. Writing here to say it's beyond OK to shout "Uncle!" when physical or mental health concerns are running you ragged: it's imperative.

I feel hesitant to share this vulnerable place because I don't understand it yet, but if I only come here and write down the lovely parts then I simply add to the Blog-related artifice that keeps so many women reading gorgeous words, looking at stunning pictures and asking, "Why doesn't my life look like that?"

None of them really do look like that when you view through a panoramic lens, my friends, but that's a post for another day.   (The title could be "Aspiration Artifice and Authenticity -or- Everyone Farts in Their Studios" - a very interesting exploration of a relatively new cultural phenomenon!)

I digress.

For today, be easy on yourself. Maybe a pedicure is in order, or a latte: make mine decaf and I'll meet you at that beachside cafe: heaven knows we deserve a treat.

With love,


Anonymous said...

i am one of those women who wondered "why my life doesn't look like that". i have often wondered if there is something wrong with me.

thanks for sharing this.

thank you so, so much.

Allisunny S. said...

I will write that post, then - thank YOU for taking the time to say this here!! Xoxo a

Lizzie Derksen said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dee said...

So much to say.
Too tired from running to write it...
Running to stay ahead of those sharp teeth.

I do thank you so much though.
And I wish you healing, health, whatever those soft spots need...

Allisunny S. said...

Same to you, darling : your latest blog post gave me shivers in the best way - I was cheering by the end. Xo

Natalia said...

Sometimes I guess people are afraid of sharing their stories, thinking a "perfect life" is what people want to see or that certain topics will affect their business..

But really your jewelry comes with so much meaning behind it, and while reading I could only smile by looking at your photos and thinking how you are transforming your feelings into such beautiful pieces. They really show positivity and love!

I believe things come when they must, and "it" is here because you have all the strength to face it.

Karin Bremer said...

I feel compelled to write, when usually I just admire quietly. But thank you, thank you for your words...your honesty & your human-ness. (And the enamel work is great, what fun it can be!)

dina said...

just waking up to a "personal" day. i have asked for this day to have some time to examine the frayed edges of my psyche, and to unhurriedly see what little bits of mending i can do...allison, what a timely post for me. please, take care of your beautiful, human self, and i will be thinking of you as i attempt to take care of me! xoxox

Jenna said...

Thanks so much for this post. I too am one of those women who have wondered 'why my life dosent look like that' while reading certain blogs. Even though I live a pretty blessed life! Ive often discussed blogs with my boy...What this person is up to, what their partners do, how happy and beautiful they seem... He often brings me back to earth with a shuddering laugh and reminds me (as you did) that no one is perfect through that panoramic lens. That despite feelin a little inept when reading those blogs, Im perfectly fine the way I am. Learning to tread your own path and being okay with that is so important. Being humble and authentic are admirable traits too! Your blog Sunny just makes me feel warm and comfy. Like a flickering warm light in the fire. I always enjoy your words and honesty. I hope the days ahead are full of light again for you. I love your new work, finally...I look forward to that post! Xx

Allisunny S. said...

Oh those teeth, my beautiful girl....sigh. Sending fond thoughts your way as well.xoxo

Allisunny S. said...

Natalia, thank you for such a wise post - and for such warmth. Xoxo

Allisunny S. said...

Karin, thank you for writing - the comment section is like a version of having people who were once strangers over for coffee :) xo

Allisunny S. said...

Dina, sending healing thoughts your way and a hope that your own mending makes you more whole than ever. Xoxo

Allisunny S. said...

Jenna, yes - there is something about seeing all that beauty - a very carefully curated life- that bypasses all the misunderstandings, boogers and dirty laundry of daily life. It is a very complicated aspirational treat for us, but lately I feel very torn about its implications and role...thanks for your words and for taking the time to write them!! Xoxo

Valerie Brown said...

I also enjoy reading your honesty.

I'm glad that you had the wherewithal to get help (not everyone has that sense) - I've been in a similar boat and know it can be very helpful.

Finally, your new enamel work is great - I'm enjoying the patterns! It encouraged me to fool around with graphite on enamel recently! It had been a long time. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hi Alissuny,
I appreciate your courage in writing those personal notes on mental health and darkness and muck. I have been going through a mental illness session myself, for probably years and years. Finally diagnosed with depression and general anxiety and just recently - adult adhd or bipolar type 2.
I understand that dark. I also understand the light. I know it is hard. it is also doable. I find writing about it cathartic. If you are interested in reading the perspectives and happenings of someone else with a mental illness there are some on my blog.
( not a pitch for you to see my blog, but an honest hand out offering help).

Brooke said...

Go gentle on yourself. Therapy sounds like the right thing ~ those hormones can really getcha. Hope the Greys abate for you soon.

xo Brooke

bonddi said...

You are wise. Pat yourself on the back for taking the steps needed at this time in your life. Drat - I wanted, no, I need, a ladder. Hope you are going to continue creating in this series. xoxo

Cat said...

you are a beautiful brave soul
making the best decisions for yourself
it takes great courage to get to the place you are at and by voicing it here you allow other women in the same place to know that

much love to you Miss Sunny
I stand beside you
staff in hand

love and light

Cat said...

those necklaces are divine!♥

love and light

Anonymous said...

Hi Sunny,

I've been reading in quiet for a while. I just want to say I think you're incredible, and please don't stop sharing. You help people in ways I'm sure you have no idea. I relate, but your words help me understand what it is I'm going through too. xx

RosyRevolver said...

I don't get over here as often as I should, but today it was meant to be so. Your words always ring true. I love you for your soft spots and your strengths. For being so real. Everyone farts in their studios?? That takes me back to a phone conversation and the sweet sound of your voice.

Thank you.

NancyH said...

such gorgeous work, the enamel is incredibly detailed!

and i definitely see myself in your words about needing fearlessness and feeling drowned by an unexpected return visitor. i think it's so important to share those thoughts, too. sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and working through despite those difficult visitors! *hugs*