Monday, February 24, 2014

Backup Parachute

For the moments when 'Plan A' becomes 'Plan B'
for the new roles we never expected to find ourselves in.

For the breaks and the mending and the aches and the victories unscripted and uncharted.
For life.

A backup parachute, a second wind for flying onward toward whatever needs you most
be it a child or a dream of your own sweet self.

I made this with motherhood in mind.
I made this because I cannot seem to manage my energy the last year or so,
my body gets these bursts that feel like a force of nature
like I'm going to bake the world's biggest cake or solder with a jet-sized torch for hours on Mt. Everest and be fine.
These supernovas are spent quickly with nothing left but a beautiful child and art.
That's enough but it's not enough.
That's service.
These are worthy and spectacular things to dedicate one's life to
but it can be an isolating feeling, the rollercoaster-ness of it all.

Sometimes on a walk with my dearest girlfriend and our sons who are best friends
we just howl and hurt our cheeks from laughing at this season in life, how hard it is but also how genuine and funny and full of wonder it is.
You cannot excise one part and have the others.

I'd like to tell you that I've tried everything, but mostly I've been like Wile E. Coyote just doing the same damn thing over and over again and then scraping myself off the pavement when the scene ends.
But I can say happily that slowly, verrrry slowly I am calling in the troops and asking for assistance when I need it,
taking up more space and meaning it.

I am learning how to manage when the first parachute fails.
 I think this is called parenting.
I keep getting the loveliest notes from mamas who say that there will come a time when there's more time for other things.
I dread my Orion not being this small. I would ride this ride forever to watch him discover the world
filtered as it is through my safe warm watch.
And yet... their words are a beacon, showing me the seasons come and go until we do the same.

A dragonfly wing
and a feather:
two ways in which to ride the wind 

This necklace is a testament to strength and bedrock and energetic intelligence,
knowing when to call for backup
and when to just utterly surrender and fall. 

I am tucking it into 

tonight along with a few other really lovely goodies.

Here's to all of us in this together
free-falling and groundless
but never alone.


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