Thursday, May 1, 2008

Dear Diary

If I was an LOLcat picture, the text would read "I has bin crying". My day was excellent in-studio. I adore those who visit my shop and love the emailing and figuring and nailing down the perfect custom order, as well as making them. And I wrote a song, and it was so satisfying: it's a song from a man's perspective, which makes me so happy. He's built a boat and is looking for a bride. I wrote it for my best friend Matt, who is recovering from heartache.

I went to work at the leetle yoga/pilates studio I normally call my sanity 15 hours/week and it was slightly chaotic. Nothing I normally couldn't handle. The thing that made it nearly unbearable is I discovered upon driving over there that I am having the kind of day where I BLUSH. UN. CONTROL.ABLY. Ack, they are so awkward and painful, those days. It's the days when I am most psychic and most vulnerable, and there is no rhyme nor reason to it, just a redness that comes and goes at will. And today at the studio someone pointed it out and as I got redder and redder her laughter got higher and higher as she announced my escalating color to the group of five people standing around me and I cannot even type it without crying. I don't know why it ached me to my soul.

I think the vast majority of the time I thrive when unseen, when writing a song or tapping on leather, and sometimes I am completely unprepared for strangers and being noticed or seen. I think I should work on this.


Alissa said...

you are working on it, just by writing about it. and sharing it. being open about things that hurt, no matter how they seem to others, is a big deal--give yourself credit.

tanisalexis said...

wow- you're amazing.
I have a teary eyed smile going out to you after reading this.. i really do relate.. I tend to give myself away too much with my face....and some days are not good days to share my ultra sensitivity i have with the world...I spook people too much when I open my mouth....

leonard cohen is singing 'in my secret life' in the background as i type this....i think thats important to mention..
XO's to you. you really are beautiful.

Jordan said...

i have to tell you...i also suffer from terrible 'physiological facial hyperemia' (medical BS term for blushing uncontrollably) and it seems to happen at the most inopportune of times. i'm normally a very confident and outgoing person, but sometimes i get self-conscious and can't hide it. i always think it's ok to wear one's heart and feelings on one's sleeve; i'm the girl that can neither lie nor keep my thoughts or feelings to myself. so you're just destined to be a wholly honest person, which you're already doing by expressing yourself in so many different creative ways...i end up doing all my expression through talking which is less lovely and much less productive for the most part. anyway, you're definitely not alone in the mega-blusher camp. take care, you're a lovely lady!!!!