Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Slow Letting Go

This weekend I am traveling....
I am traveling alone
for the first time in well over two years

It's a really important trip to see one of my dearest friends and I've been 
yearning to take it for quite some time. I knew that I would not be packing up the babe 
for this adventure and as the flight comes closer
I acknowledge another wave goodbye,
another first in the my life as a mother: a night (or two) away
from my boy.

Just writing those words fills the center of my heart with hurt.
Just writing those words lifts the beautiful possibility of my singular (and too frequently ignored)
experience to my eyes like a cup
to someone dying of thirst.

Two years and nearly two months of service.
Over eight hundred nights of doing whatever it takes.

Where I am going my people acknowledge space for rest and processing.
I plan on buying a brand new sketch book tomorrow.
It feels almost giddy: a fresh new sketch book.

I think I am going to buy four magazines at the airport and read them 
lazily on the plane with my iPod pouring loud music right into my brain.
There will be no needs to meet but mine,
no magic face in which to see all the wonders of an eternal morning.

It is both the finest of fantasies and the most aching place.
Orion has been with me on my last seven round trip flights
and so I've been sweaty, nervous and overpacked.

Not this weekend
I can get tipsy. I can let go.

I can plump the too-skinny parts of my head and heart that have
really and honestly forgotten solitude. That have forgotten the art of getting lost in deep
and nourishing conversation without having a secondary stream of thoughts
that constantly fret over voice volume
and eyes that wander over to the baby monitor just to check and see if he's good.

Orion will have Guy Time with his handsome Daddy
and snuggles from Oma.
They'll go on adventures and do things that mama won't allow,
watch lots of videos maybe,
stay up too late.

There'll be plastic easter eggs filled with goodies
and trips to see tiny airplanes
and naps together.

I cannot wait to see him when I come home,
to show him a version of me 
that is at once refreshed and light and grounded
greedy for kisses
thirsty for every single word
he could ever say

I cannot wait to gently throw my arms around my girlfriend
and snuggle pups
and have brunch
and catch up
and slip into the rhythm of understanding
that happens among the most kindred of souls.

I know I'll look back at this night's internal dichotomy someday
when I've said a thousand 'goodbye's to Orion
and see the beauty and gentle rawness of it

That I love a boy so much I have begun to forget how to be without him

That I love myself so much and am so loved by my tribe
that room is made for me to be 
alone and not alone

aching some for the babe I am only borrowing
practicing awkwardly at first the expansive motion of
opening my arms
as one releases a kept bird
letting him 



Cat said...

Oh write it so well...I remember my first time away from my babe...I was a single mom at the time and going to Toronto for my best girls wedding...he was about the age of Orion...It felt so strange to leave, we were tow peas in a pod...but I had a great time, one I remember even now, like it was yesterday...I had such a special time away with my bestie and our other girlfriend...and then coming home...those arms around my neck...nothing better. He was all good, I was even you are such a good mama!!! love and light sister...good weekend to you!

Allisunny S. said...

I love you, Cat. Of COURSE you understand. xoxoxoxoxox

Joanna DeVoe said...

Yes! Yes! Get tipsy & let go! These moments are precious, few & far in between... ENJOY every second, guilt-free. -xo

thedrumwallet said...

Thanks for the beautiful insights. I am blessed by your friendship my talented friend and your lil O' is blessed with an amazing mommy. How amazing how art oozes from your pores woman. :) Enjoy your trip and your new sketch book!

Farm and Field said...

I am glad for you that you will go, though i am sorry for your heartache at it. You will need the gentle opening of the arms of your friends, and they of yours.
Be well, beautiful. And have a beautiful time.

Brooke Schmidt said...


I need to do the same. The years of service. Really has a ring, doesn't it?

I both want to, need to. And never want to leave him, ever.