This weekend I am traveling....
I am traveling alone
for the first time in well over two years
It's a really important trip to see one of my dearest friends and I've been
yearning to take it for quite some time. I knew that I would not be packing up the babe
for this adventure and as the flight comes closer
I acknowledge another wave goodbye,
another first in the my life as a mother: a night (or two) away
from my boy.
Just writing those words fills the center of my heart with hurt.
Just writing those words lifts the beautiful possibility of my singular (and too frequently ignored)
experience to my eyes like a cup
to someone dying of thirst.
Two years and nearly two months of service.
Over eight hundred nights of doing whatever it takes.
Where I am going my people acknowledge space for rest and processing.
I plan on buying a brand new sketch book tomorrow.
It feels almost giddy: a fresh new sketch book.
I think I am going to buy four magazines at the airport and read them
lazily on the plane with my iPod pouring loud music right into my brain.
There will be no needs to meet but mine,
no magic face in which to see all the wonders of an eternal morning.
It is both the finest of fantasies and the most aching place.
Orion has been with me on my last seven round trip flights
and so I've been sweaty, nervous and overpacked.
Not this weekend
I can get tipsy. I can let go.
I can plump the too-skinny parts of my head and heart that have
really and honestly forgotten solitude. That have forgotten the art of getting lost in deep
and nourishing conversation without having a secondary stream of thoughts
that constantly fret over voice volume
and eyes that wander over to the baby monitor just to check and see if he's good.
Orion will have Guy Time with his handsome Daddy
and snuggles from Oma.
They'll go on adventures and do things that mama won't allow,
watch lots of videos maybe,
stay up too late.
There'll be plastic easter eggs filled with goodies
and trips to see tiny airplanes
and naps together.
I cannot wait to see him when I come home,
to show him a version of me
that is at once refreshed and light and grounded
greedy for kisses
thirsty for every single word
he could ever say
I cannot wait to gently throw my arms around my girlfriend
and snuggle pups
and have brunch
and catch up
and slip into the rhythm of understanding
that happens among the most kindred of souls.
I know I'll look back at this night's internal dichotomy someday
when I've said a thousand 'goodbye's to Orion
and see the beauty and gentle rawness of it
That I love a boy so much I have begun to forget how to be without him
That I love myself so much and am so loved by my tribe
that room is made for me to be
alone and not alone
aching some for the babe I am only borrowing
practicing awkwardly at first the expansive motion of
opening my arms
as one releases a kept bird