Monday, June 22, 2015

Struggle Season

The studio is vibrant
totally messy
and I don't give the last bit any mind right now:
I can't

In this single moment that keeps its infinite replenishment
I am rich in choices and
determined to keep my eyes on the north star.

The last few months have given me vantage enough to see
that some pieces have to fall away for the health of the whole.
Like having a precious, dust-free studio.
Like getting back to everyone as quickly as I'd like.
Like economizing so much that I forgo important healing modalities like therapy or a physical.
As a positive, the good idea of focusing my work in a singular direction as opposed to the smattering of everything I've been trying to balance.
Holy cats, that's a lot of plates!!

I'm in the process of something special and exciting, narrowing focus and expanding at the same time, like putting all my growth into one arm and having it stretch to Connecticut.
I'm excited.
I'm dreaming and planning and knowing that this is going to take some time, so that dreaming and planning has a pace not unlike a marathon.
No sprinting, not yet.

Mostly I'm feeling the incredible and generously challenging time as the mother of a three year old in a really deep place. It guts me.
It sends me over the moon some days (a happy cow?)
and TO the moon other days, as though I was ka-pow-ed there.
I had a lot of days when O was one and two where I was like, "Whoo!!! I nailed that!!"
but I don't have those right now. 
I am cautious in my celebration because tomorrow
might make me a living embodiment of Murphy's Laws,
 my mouth set in a grim line as someone small rages in the back seat.
Being the adult, being loving and supportive
while also drawing boundaries and taking no mess.

A lot of mothers I talk to say that they felt a profound exhaustion when their kid(s) were
It doesn't negate the beauty, that tired aspect;
it just stretches out the crap moments.
We forget to remember that taking naps are doctor's orders.
That we can tap out and go sit by ourselves.
That we do not always have to be 'fun mom'
or live up to every cultural expectation of what a working mother is:
not every single aspect of a balanced life wins every single day.
Struggle is a season, short in retrospect
but so long in the living.


So yeah, my studio's a hot mess
but I am still in there as often as I can be, collecting notes
from God
and doing everything in my power to see them through
to form



Farm and Field said...

"not every single aspect of a balanced life wins every single day."
That one smacked me. I am in my own struggle season right now. I have so many balls in the air that I know when they come back to earth, that I will miss some of them, that my arms will be too full of the others, and that they will hit the ground. I'm praying that they're not made of glass.
Lots of love to you.

Allisunny S. said...

Waving to you with my coffee cup, I am so glad to not be alone on this tightrope :) xo

Cat said...

" but I am still in there as often as I can be, collecting notes
from God
and doing everything in my power to see them through
to form"....this is what most of us do...even if it "seems" life is seamless in those lives around yours....
I think you are amazing
you still manage to create such beauty...I am still tripping through a written story that I wanted finished by the end of last year...those last 4 chapters seem to be kicking my ass....not writers block here...just not the "right"space to delve deep into the story of my past and it can not be rushed it needs its honoured space and deserves my whole hearted focus...but that's me....
on the other end as a mother who has already had one child leave the nest to begin his life adventure on the other side of the world....this time with our beans goes challenging as they can be, when they leave, you hold the memories dear...and sometimes even long to go back....I always say if there were two days I could relive in my life it would be the days I brought my boys into the world...ouch!!! lol A mothers love can be an amazing thing...stretching and transforming our hearts into shapes and sizes we never thought possible...well that was my experience anyways....
be at peace good mama, you are doing amazing

love and light ♥