Struggle Season

The studio is vibrant

chaotic

totally messy

and I don't give the last bit any mind right now:

I can't

.

In this single moment that keeps its infinite replenishment

I am rich in choices and

determined to keep my eyes on the north star.

The last few months have given me vantage enough to see

that some pieces have to fall away for the health of the whole.

Like having a precious, dust-free studio.

Like getting back to everyone as quickly as I'd like.

Like economizing so much that I forgo important healing modalities like therapy or a physical.

As a positive, the good idea of focusing my work in a singular direction as opposed to the smattering of everything I've been trying to balance.

Holy cats, that's a lot of plates!!

I'm in the process of something special and exciting, narrowing focus and expanding at the same time, like putting all my growth into one arm and having it stretch to Connecticut.

I'm excited.

I'm dreaming and planning and knowing that this is going to take some time, so that dreaming and planning has a pace not unlike a marathon.

No sprinting, not yet.

Mostly I'm feeling the incredible and generously challenging time as the mother of a three year old in a really deep place. It guts me.

It sends me over the moon some days (a happy cow?)

and TO the moon other days, as though I was ka-pow-ed there.

I had a lot of days when O was one and two where I was like, "Whoo!!! I nailed that!!"

but I don't have those right now. 

I am cautious in my celebration because tomorrow

might make me a living embodiment of Murphy's Laws,

 my mouth set in a grim line as someone small rages in the back seat.

Being the adult, being loving and supportive

while also drawing boundaries and taking no mess.

A lot of mothers I talk to say that they felt a profound exhaustion when their kid(s) were

three.

It doesn't negate the beauty, that tired aspect;

it just stretches out the crap moments.

We forget to remember that taking naps are doctor's orders.

That we can tap out and go sit by ourselves.

That we do not always have to be 'fun mom'

or live up to every cultural expectation of what a working mother is:

not every single aspect of a balanced life wins every single day.

Struggle is a season, short in retrospect

but so long in the living.

So.

So yeah, my studio's a hot mess

but I am still in there as often as I can be, collecting notes

from God

and doing everything in my power to see them through

to form

.

xoxo,

Sunny