Yesterday was Holocaust Remembrance Day.
I know this now not because my own Jewish father reminded me,
but because I saw a picture on a friend's Facebook Feed,
one that I cannot get out of my head.
I won't describe it in detail, save that it is a picture of a man and his child just before losing their lives
and the outpouring of love and soul in their embrace crushed my entire body for the rest of the day and evening.
I looked at the picture and choked back vomit: at any other time in life it would have been hard to see and it would have served its purpose: this happened - never forget-
but now everything has changed.
I quickly picked my boy up from his slumber and held him close to a broken heart leaking its love
having just witnessed the antiquated ultimate grief and injustice of history
which would repeat itself in the ensuing years
country after country
race after religion...
Upon waking I find that it is still nightmarishly fresh in my mind.
When I dreamt of conceiving a child I did not know it would blow my chest wide open
with a love and compassion never previously thought possible:
if I had only imagined a tenth of this bigness I would have been too scared to try.
When mamas said, "No one can prepare you for the love you will feel" I never understood why their eyes held a mixture of pain and happiness
I think I am beginning to see.
For now I am frozen by it,
a little more scared than I'd like to be
compounded by a terrible night sleep (feeding once an hour, this growing boy!)
and I am wondering how to navigate the groundless next moment (always)
with a heart so big and raw.