Thursday, April 19, 2012

Haunted

Yesterday was Holocaust Remembrance Day.
I know this now not because my own Jewish father reminded me,
but because I saw a picture on a friend's Facebook Feed,
one that I cannot get out of my head.

I won't describe it in detail, save that it is a picture of a man and his child just before losing their lives
and the outpouring of love and soul in their embrace crushed my entire body for the rest of the day and evening.

I looked at the picture and choked back vomit: at any other time in life it would have been hard to see and it would have served its purpose: this happened - never forget-
but now everything has changed.

My son!

I quickly picked my boy up from his slumber and held him close to a broken heart leaking its love
having just witnessed the antiquated ultimate grief and injustice of history
which would repeat itself in the ensuing years
country after country
race after religion...

Upon waking I find that it is still nightmarishly fresh in my mind.

When I dreamt of conceiving a child I did not know it would blow my chest wide open
with a love and compassion never previously thought possible:
if I had only imagined a tenth of this bigness I would have been too scared to try.

When mamas said, "No one can prepare you for the love you will feel" I never understood why their eyes held a mixture of pain and happiness
but
I think I am beginning to see.

For now I am frozen by it,
a little more scared than I'd like to be
compounded by a terrible night sleep (feeding once an hour, this growing boy!)
and I am wondering how to navigate the groundless next moment (always)
with a heart so big and raw.


9 comments:

WillowMetals said...

The love is so strong I think you seriously just have to be a mother to understand it. So much love...it hurts♥

MrsLittleJeans said...

Thank you for remembering...and isn't it great realizing how much you can love? xx

mairedodd said...

you do it - because the joy balances the ache... i will tell you most honestly that i can feel the space in my chest where the heart resides... there is a physicality to this love -there are times i wish i could shield myself a bit, but operating anything less than open deprives all involved... it is the sacrifice and blessing of motherhood...

Sybil Ann said...

...and it's why when we lose someone we love beyond words we become better, more compassionate people - because it binds us to every person who has loved and lost... and who has not?

Debbie said...

Thank you for remembering...this is in my family history as well, oh how I hope that future generations will never forget.
It brings home the fierce love we have for our children, what makes us stronger.
peace is what I yearn for.

kelly said...

the heart truly knows no bounds...thank you for this post and remembering and yes indeed it is a scary and overwhelmingly compassionate existence we take on as Mum's...sleep well tonight lovely Sunny;)

jordan said...

Oh, those experiences or observations that make us acutely feel the PAIN that comes with such profound love...I felt that most recently while reading 'Room' - the bond between the mother and son in the story is SO close to home. And though it WILL hurt, many times through our lives, to love our children the way we do, fostering and building this love the way you are makes everything in life so much sweeter. And it makes us better people. and you are doing an AMAZING job. Thinking of you so often - love you.
xo

Appaloosa*Moon said...

love & soul never cease to exist...

but ain't it grand to be able to hug&kiss a baby body in all it's physicality!!!?

a beautiful post, Mother Sun.
XO

Katherine Willis Pershey said...

Oh, wow. I had a big back log of blog subscriptions due to travels, etc. I ordinarily hate that phrase "I know how you feel" because whoever REALLY knows... but I do this time. Exactly. And it's brutal.

I love you.