Sunday, April 29, 2012

Name It


There has been a struggle of late with a heaviness
that has settled in my chest like a deep snow that intends to stay long past its welcome.

I have spent a few early morning nursing hours looking up "chest ache" and "pain in chest" on the internet, unearthing many astounding and fatal diagnoses,
fodder for my imagination already run wild.

Truly, though I know what ails me
and now that I've contracted it there is not nor will there ever be a cure:




motherhood.



I have a raging case of acute motherhood.


Its symptoms are as follows:

a deep love that aches the heart
and settles into every bone, vein and cell
.
the animal fear of anything ever harming my Beloved
.
moon eyes
.
a sleeve made of ventricles
.
the nose of a bloodhound
.
hearing the sound of infant cries on the wind
in the dishwasher
under the cover of sleep
.
restless nights
.
sleepless days
.
gratitude
.
fierceness
.
compassion 
(unless your car almost backs into my passenger side while you text and then may God help your soul, amen)
.
babbling
.
unabashed breast-baring
.
half-finished tasks
.
tears
.
yoga pants
.


.
.
.

As soon as I was able to name the anxiety
that has been so thick
it released its grip enough for me to dig in to a delicious domestic Sunday
with my men.

I believe that as a Mother I will continue to name what hurts as a greeting of sorts
knowing that everything begs to be understood -

all any inversion of happiness ever wants is to be useful

and so

perhaps just saying, "I see you,"
is the beginning of a meaningful dialogue
with the things we most want to ignore.




9 comments:

Naomi Mimi said...

The ache of becoming, filling out the space of potential that is Alli Sunny :) The fierceness of adulthood frightens me sometimes but then I remember that we're all in it together, all linked by those gold threads of love and creativity and searching beyond. Xoxo.

Ps. Wearing my pink opals in their fierce pinky glory. Heart.

Tasha Imajin said...

Yes! Exactly! I hear baby cries in the cats' meows, in a fan, outside when a car goes by. You said it exactly. And yes, I'm with you with the breast baring. They are no longer a sexy part of my body (temporarily?), yet they are the nourishment for my baby. I forget that I'm likely the only one who thinks that as I'm flashing myself in public. haha! Fortunately, Seattle is very breastfeeding friendly. (Can I share this blog post with my facebook friends who are following my motherhood journey?)

Katherine Willis Pershey said...

Yes. Exactly.

mairedodd said...

i think i have mentioned that i feel my heart space almost constantly... meld motherhood with an openness to the overwhelming beauty of the universe, and it could become unbearable... guess we should be grateful for the daily necessities that keep us grounded like the feeding, clothing and caring for those we love...

jordan said...

oh my DEAR
I'm so so familiar with this aching motherly anxiety...It's a plague that we all catch the moment we lay eyes and hands on our new bundles and whisper (while breathing them in) 'i know, baby. mama knows'. It's so easy to feel that every moment of every day there's something we need to do more, that we need to respond more quickly or in a different way, that we're not doing enough, that we're not enough. The thing that I learned is that YOU are what your baby needs. There is no right way to nurse or mother or care for him - only the way that feels right for both of you and makes you both the happiest most of the time. When evvy was small i used to sit nursing him in the rocking chair and get this panicked feeling, like i was going to have an emotional breakdown. I think that's what you're describing here. It took a lot time to figure out where that was coming from, and I came to the conclusion that it was most likely the constant worry that I was doing something or not doing something that was going to cause longterm irreversible harm to him as a person. Which was crazy because all I did was love him and care for him and nurture him all the time in the best way i knew how. So eventually I forgot all of that (though it took a lot of time and many small successes to make me feel confident) and then I found even MORE joy in motherhood than I thought possible. You're doing a fantastic job, beautiful sunny, and please know that anything you're feeling ata ny time along this path is something that has been felt and is being felt by so many. All the best
xoxo

Cat said...

"unabashed breast-baring"
that one made me laugh out loud

what a beautiful ailment indeed my friend...
there truly is nothing like it, and it remains even when they are long past sitting in your lap or openly taking your affections, when they become stinky teenagers (and they do friend so smell your little man as much as possible), when they sass you back and tell you they can't wait to move out...you still feel it, maybe even more I am not sure as the transitions are as slight and silent as snow falling...

I smile with you my friend, I cry with you, I feel lost with you, I love with you

Love and Light

Sunny Rising Leather said...

I adore you, Red :) xoxo

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Please do share, my gs!! Yes the baby cries are utterly everywhere are they not?!?!
Xoxoxo
A

MrsLittleJeans said...

Hey you, your first mother's day is coming up...congratulations! xx