Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Only Thing

It's him.
Him and nothing else: the only thing on earth I feel unconditional
about all of the time, one hundred percent.

I gently waffle on matters of love
I worry incessantly about things I cannot control
and sometimes even my job is on the line which is crazy since I am my own boss



he is the pinnacle of all things beautiful and pure on earth: a baby.

Yes, I know this will change
and fuck-you-very-much for your winking gruff side-nudge that I won't feel this way about him when he's sixteen and surly
or just wait until he's walking won't I be tired then!!
'Grrrrrr', growls the grumpy tiger in me. 
These conspiratorial delights are my Everest - I didn't have a baby to eat bon-bons and get fanned by the Grecian Pool Boy - I signed up for all of it.

Yes, I will be tired.
Yes, he will likely be tough and near-impossible at times as he navigates this world
but bring it on,

Give me fatigue any day over the lack of him.
Give me sleepless nights of teething
over silent entwined dreaming any day.

Give me one-handed dinner-eating with giggles and farts and baby spit
over a night out at some great place everyone recommends...

(but, ummmm please know that a date every month-or- more- if-we're-lucky is a gift to cherish!)

Give me a mountain of shit-filled diapers and pea-and-brown-rice-laden bibs to wash:
I will do it while he babbles in his bouncer next to me,
calling "Ma ma ma ba ba bahhh"
like it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Give me high-pitched shrieks of delight in line at the grocery store
and socks that come right off of ham-tastic feets...

I'll take another helping of getting my knuckles chewed on
and the first smile of the morning knocking me out like a winged punch...

Yes, please: I will have another moment of not being sure what this new face means, what this cry is all about, another chance to use that wonderful mother-animal instinct...

A lifetime has never felt shorter
than it has since this love took over
my days.

My Star,
My Son:

You are the only thing I understand this much...
Thank you for six months of utter confusion and bliss and wonder.