Monday, March 4, 2013

Full Circle Magic Clutch

When I found out I was carrying my boy I became a new thing, a mother-on-paper and vessel for this soul I would usher into our world.

I was careful and gentle and aware in ways I'd never imagined being careful gentle and aware.

On the morning that Orion left the safety of my womb I died to the previous versions of myself
beautifully and with no small violence:
I felt the familiar ripped from me
and I grieved.

During a recent conversation with a dear girlfriend and new mother I heard the phrase "I dread the night" from her tremulous sleep-deprived voice and I remembered the fear
the ache and my own dread of sunset with clarity.

The first weeks
the lostness
the too-big-new-love that feels like a wave pummeling over and over

It broke my heart to know others have to suffer in order to find the light again.

She will
I did
with grace we all can

It is timely that I made this magic-spell-in-leather a year after my baby was born
mostly because all my mama friends said it took them a year to feel like themselves again
but the thing is, I don't feel like I used to at all.

My body is different
my skin surrounds my bones in ways that I would have seen as foreign before
and the world has changed through these eyes
at once more beautiful
more terrible
a place to explore
not just for my own courage but for his...

I have always been what the french refer to as "Jolie-Laide" - both beautiful and ugly
from different angles, sometimes both at once.
These are not pitying words: I love my odd and unique face.
I used to try and capture only the good angles
but motherhood has taught me a new beauty
that shines from the inside out
not as goodness like some people say
but as the acknowledgment of circles
birth and death
world without end

I would never go back to what was old and free
because my tether is my liberation
as all mothers understand.

I died to previous patterns
and thoughts
and mourned them appropriately
only to discover a castle where a hut had stood

in the center of my heart
with my son and God

This Magic Clutch was meticulously and painstakingly hand tooled and painted with a watercolor technique and lined in glorious cherry red suede.

Richly textured
shining and healthy

I want to explain all of the elements to you, but my heart tells me not to, that it would break the spell I wish to cast for the woman who will carry it.

Squirrel skull
magnolia blossoms
bee wing
antique candle newly lit
meditative repeating patterns

are all I can say.

It is powerful and rich and made to remind you with a peridot wink (in fine and sterling silvers) that death is a doorway to the greatest mystery and life a cycle
we are born to a million times over before our breath finally stops

It is for courage
for trust
for wonder


it will be 

later today.



Ash said...

Magic spell, indeed. It's glorious. As are your words.

As are you.

Heidi said...

Beautiful words, you capture such an ethereal thing so well. I especially like the sentiment that we are born a million times over before we breathe our last. The last mystery is really just more of the same, when you think of it that way.

Allisunny S. said...

Ash and Heidi, thank you both so much: this one is packed with meaning!

kerin rose said...

you forgot to say that anything that is 'jolie-laide' is FAR more interesting and arresting than the usual standard fare...gorgeous bag, gorgeous words, gorgeous you...
may we all die a thousand fiery deaths in this life, to become what we are truly meant to be....xxO

Cat said...

There are not enough words. xoxox

Dee said...

I love your "odd and unique face" and beautiful face too...I love your words, creativity and generous spirit too...
Very well done Allison.

pencilfox said...

i totally understand about "jolie laide"....because sometimes i wonder if my face is all crooked or something, when i look at self photos and when i think about how i feel.
but believe me, dear girl: you are beautiful inside and out, more so with every passing day....

* love *

Allisunny S. said...

I adore you, Kerin Rose. Xoxo

UmberDove said...

You are just such a powerhouse of soul.

Linny Kenney Leather said...

Holy mackerel! Such gorgeous words and what an incredible piece!! just amazing.