When I found out I was carrying my boy I became a new thing, a mother-on-paper and vessel for this soul I would usher into our world.
I was careful and gentle and aware in ways I'd never imagined being careful gentle and aware.
On the morning that Orion left the safety of my womb I died to the previous versions of myself
beautifully and with no small violence:
I felt the familiar ripped from me
and I grieved.
During a recent conversation with a dear girlfriend and new mother I heard the phrase "I dread the night" from her tremulous sleep-deprived voice and I remembered the fear
the ache and my own dread of sunset with clarity.
The first weeks
the too-big-new-love that feels like a wave pummeling over and over
It broke my heart to know others have to suffer in order to find the light again.
with grace we all can
It is timely that I made this magic-spell-in-leather a year after my baby was born
mostly because all my mama friends said it took them a year to feel like themselves again
but the thing is, I don't feel like I used to at all.
My body is different
my skin surrounds my bones in ways that I would have seen as foreign before
and the world has changed through these eyes
at once more beautiful
a place to explore
not just for my own courage but for his...
I have always been what the french refer to as "Jolie-Laide" - both beautiful and ugly
from different angles, sometimes both at once.
These are not pitying words: I love my odd and unique face.
I used to try and capture only the good angles
but motherhood has taught me a new beauty
that shines from the inside out
not as goodness like some people say
but as the acknowledgment of circles
birth and death
world without end
I would never go back to what was old and free
because my tether is my liberation
as all mothers understand.
I died to previous patterns
and mourned them appropriately
only to discover a castle where a hut had stood
in the center of my heart
with my son and God
This Magic Clutch was meticulously and painstakingly hand tooled and painted with a watercolor technique and lined in glorious cherry red suede.
shining and healthy
I want to explain all of the elements to you, but my heart tells me not to, that it would break the spell I wish to cast for the woman who will carry it.
antique candle newly lit
meditative repeating patterns
are all I can say.
It is powerful and rich and made to remind you with a peridot wink (in fine and sterling silvers) that death is a doorway to the greatest mystery and life a cycle
we are born to a million times over before our breath finally stops
It is for courage
it will be