Thursday, December 29, 2011

Solace


UPDATE: It is NOT FIP. This is wonderful news. The problem is that we still don't know why he is full of fluid: ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning should help us determine
if there is organ failure or a tumor or a rupture.
In the meantime, your kind words and encouragement have meant the world to all of us:
thank you.


Is found in work
in the light aqua walls of my studio
and the sound of a good riveting hammer.

Solace is found in the hearty kick of my sweet Baby O
and in his very presence.

Last night when Anthony came back from the vets with Jones they said the
fluid they drained was yellow, which is in keeping with FIP, a very fast-moving fatal
virus.

There is so much fluid that his organs are all pressed up into his ribs, but they cannot drain until they know it doesn't contain much needed proteins - to drain at will could mean seizures and certain death.

Today when we got the blood results there was no indication of the Corona Virus, which is the precursor to FIP. His liver function was abnormal
and we are still waiting on the results of the fluid testing:

we should hear tomorrow.

In the purgatory of waiting for the results,
I smith.

I hammer.
I hope and despair.

None of what it could be is good or indicates long life, but there are things that would be more treatable than others.

Last night Schmilly and I laid in bed and prayed and grieved together but when we tried to sleep
it would not come
so we got the last of the chocolate cake
and pulled up Tiny Furniture on Netflix,
losing ourselves in the misadventures of a young twenty-something for a few hours.

We are very much a united front of mutual support in the face of loss...isn't it amazing how the toughest parts of life show you the grace and beauty of your relationships?

I forgot how grief makes every breath hurt,
how different it is than simply being mad or saddened...
last night I remarked to Anthony that under any other circumstances staying up late and eating cake with him in our pjs would have felt so decadent and fun
but there was a nightmarish cast in our reasons for keeping such late hours.

it's strange and awful:

Jones's eyes are still sparkling, his demeanor (though subdued and mostly restful) still so much his own... and yet we will have to say goodbye much sooner than we all thought
unless something miraculous occurs
.

I am holding out for little miracles
while I work

in the solace

of my little blue room.

xoxox,
Allisunny

19 comments:

liz r. said...

Allison, I was so sorry to read this. Wishing you all peace of mind.

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Oh, Liz R.... thank you so much.

Melissa Meman said...

Alison, I am so very sorry about your kitty-cat...I have lost 2 in the last few years to diabetes (orange tabby brothers, Oscar and Felix). It is very hard to let a furry one go that you love. This is my 1st comment on your blog...have been reading for a while and have am hooked. You do such beautiful work and exude such a beautiful soul! Thinking of you!

Melissa

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Melissa,

Thank you so much for the lovely comment - I am sorry for your losses as well: it's never easy.
Our boy is just such a whippersnapper and so vibrant I always thought we'd grow old with him, watching him mellow and shift with each passing year.
This is the part of love that is hard.

Welcome to this space, and feel free to post a comment any time.

xoxo

DalaHorse said...

Stay strong...have undaunting faith and have the courage to go where you are being led, frightening as it may be...small miracles can and do happen. My dearest thoughts are with you and your sweet kitty Jones. Hope springs eternal.

UmberDove said...

Writing you tonight... but want you to know I'm here too.

Katherine said...

Oh, dear. I am so sorry. I'm still grieving the loss of our beloved Deacon. Pets are irreplaceable. Beloved. You gift your cats such a gift by loving them so.

Hope for solace and courage and healing.

bonddi said...

Keep the faith and the vigil and hear my prayers for a peaceful resolution. Loving all the work you are creating, don't know how you can focus with your plate so full.

Sybil Ann said...

Here's to miracles. I wish you all a big one

susie said...

hoping for the best and thinking of you and Anthony.

SpiralStone said...

*Hugs* to you and poor wee Jones. Wishing for a little miracle for you. x

mairedodd said...

never give up -
keeping my fingers crossed with you while you await... and, yes, work can be so therapeutic...
am glad you have the ironclad bond with your friend and husband... to be able to be vulnerable and know you are safe is beautiful...

WillowMetals said...

Oh Allison, I can hardly see to type this as tears fill my eyes :( The feeling of grief is so awful. I was a similar situation back in 04 with a Siamese cat that was apart of our family since I was in the second grade. That kitty, she owned my heart. Even the thought of losing a furry family member like that is so painful. This brings back so many memories. I hope and pray that you hear the best news possible. News that will allow you to hold on to beautiful Jones as long as you can with him happy and healthy. Dear lady you are so much in my thoughts. So much positive energy is being sent your way from so many people. On the bright side, you are so blessed to have such a special connection to share these feelings with. You definitely are in the right place in life with the right person. And I know the Jones knows that he is in the right place and owns the right humans ;) Ahhhh....So much love to you that my heart could burst!

Cat said...

Oh Allison
my heart aches for you
this is sad news indeed
thought through sadness we see the love we have around us
grief has a way of repairing even as it takes down...
it is such a strange thing

thinking of you all this rainy evening up north....

Love and Light

Cat said...

Our hearts are with you, dearheart. With such fierce hope. Don't forget, sweet Jones knows how loved he is, and no matter what, that is what counts the most.

Nancy*McKay said...

Oh Allison...say this isn't so...
having just lost my one & only Abyssinian, I know what you feel & are going through. Words cannot express the deep sadness & the grief is like no other. I am with you & am praying for your sweet boy, Jones...god speed his recovery. XO

Belinda Saville said...

Sweet Allison, I hope and despair right along side you. Fur babies occupy a special place in our hearts, and your love for Jones radiates in every word.

Keeping everything crossed for a miracle!

Much love and gentle hugs,

B.
-xxxxxx-

Lizzy Derksen said...

Still thinking of Jones. And you.

Amanda said...

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your cat. I've always enjoyed reading stories about him and seeing his sweet face in photos.

I've lost several cats, dogs, and rabbits over the years and each time is a fresh heartbreak.

Jones will be in my prayers tonight.