Monsieur Petite Etoile -
Thank you for nine months of such wonderment
that I cannot even write about you without tears stinging my eyes.
You are my dream,
my future
and my gem.
Your Dad and I both feel like we've now entered a part of your life where the lights go on each and every day inside your understanding of the world
and the brightness is astounding us all!
We work really hard to find the balance between giving you every moment we can and being whole unto ourselves-now the pendulum swings more towards togetherness,
more games and fun.
If during my sleepless nights as a brand new mama I would have had future me holding out these moments we all share now as a beacon I would have cried less, panicked fewer times and napped more.
Perhaps I would have even trusted the roller-coaster of postpartum marriage, scary as it has sometimes felt...we are stronger for the thousand tiny healed fractures, just like a beautiful agua nueva agate that knitted itself a colorful streak from where the earth shook too hard.
I like imperfections more than I did before you came and I trust that at the center of chaos is a perfect point of stillness: we often find it together.
We clap our hands,
give high-fives
and play a funny game of copy-cat with the single syllables that are so familiar now:
words are a heartbeat away.
We laugh, too - your giggle is infectious and I love finding new ways to coax those tumbling chimes out of you. Your Daddy loves that you two can wrestle now - it's such a funny thing to watch him delight you with spins and dips and controlled tumbles!
There are times where all I can do is sit and stare at you while you gesticulate and coo at Janey
or carry on a vivacious conversation with Sophie the Giraffe or another beloved toy.
Especially today in moments like those I am in awe:
you've been earthside as long as you were growing in my womb
and forming in my imagination...
I knew I'd love you
but I had no idea how much
...
perhaps that was by design -
everything in its time.
As I say every day out loud or to myself,
thank you for choosing us
out of all the parents in the world:
we will never find the words for how much we love you.
So big,
Mama
