Wednesday, June 22, 2011

On Carson Street where we set our scene....

It is summer.

Men are saying some crazy things out there to women in broad daylight:
sexual things, things that normally would not be mentioned outside
of a one-night-stand
or a marital bedroom -

It's crazy!

This brings to mind a story I sometimes share with people I know well, and I feel that most of my readers have been around long enough to be considered friends.
It's a tale of cat-calling redemption.
total redemption.

There are two protagonists and a handful of antagonists but one far more odious that the rest.
In this true story I swear;
-like-grizzled-sailor-angry-drunk swear.
Stop reading here if you wish to think me a lady-like lady.

I'll wait......


For those who are left, our tale begins (and ends) in the fair hamlet of Pittsburgh PA, the South Side to be specific, home to scads of bars and alleyways in which to urinate.

My sister and I were walking back to our car from maybe the Beehive Coffee Shop? Truthfully, I cannot remember because what happened next eclipsed those kinds of mundane details.

As we amble in our sundresses through the humid evening,
a gigantic black Dodge Ram on lifts drives past and the catcalling begins.
Again, mundane and not very memorable.

Here's where it gets interesting:
because my sister and I do not respond to the language of love being forced upon us from 4 feet up, we hear the driver utter this gem,

"You lick that pussy, bitch!!",
positively dripping with misogynistic contempt
Because of course, if a woman doesn't take the bait she surely must be a lesbian.

Julie and I did what most women would do:
we kept walking and seethed quietly to ourselves,
boiling with concealed rage that such words were spoken
yelled by a man we don't know from Adam.

And we're sisters!!!!

We got in the car, sullen and pissed
and drove to the intersection
and the traffic light there

when what did we see but our verbal assailant,
getting out of his sweet-ass chariot to hit up a bar
and get even more belligerent, if possible.

He had just stepped down from his truck
when the light went green and my sister
turned to me
*my sister who was too shy as a kid to order things at the drugstore
and so she would ask me to -
with a nickname like "Gravel Gurty" it was apparent from a young age that I would be mouthy*
and said,


My big sister, my hero of heros...

Her eyes were so wide,
her expression so pained and hopeful that I knew I had to give this my very best
my very loudest voice

So I heaved myself halfway out of the car window
with all the might in my strong 21-year-old arms
and grabbed a massive lungfull of air,
verbally bull-horning the paint-peeling

"Fuck you, you motherfucking redneck asshole!!"

delivered soooooooooooooooooo sllllooooowwwwwwwwlllllly and at a volume that can only be described as
pinging off of brick buildings
six stories tall
and turning heads for four blocks easy
up and down Carson

but the head I was aiming for turned beautifully...


In slow motion even, yesssss!!!!!

His mullet, curly and shoulder-length
brown as a shiny turd
swung to one side like a coarse wave over
one long faded black t-shirt and terrible non-ironic-acid-wash jeans
and his lips
shimmied left and right with the force of his neck snap
like moist pink jello jigglers
eyes bugged out
as in old-timey cartoons when a pretty dame walked by

but this time
it was his pride
thrust to the wind
and caught in the hair of a blonde shit-talker
with a serious ax to grind.

My sister burned rubber in her left turn and we sped home,
eyes wide
and mouths open with shock
until we fell to laughter so raucous
it still hasn't stopped all these 12 or so years later.

I often wonder if he still talked to women that way
after such a publicly returned volley of disrespect...

I consider myself lucky enough to never know.

Thus concludes our tale
of summer-time misadventures

I would love love love to hear yours!!!



WillowMetals said...

Bahahahahahaha!!!! I could picture every moment! What a freaking jerk! Ewwww, guys like that so gross me out. I wish I had such a story to tell but I don't. I am pretty good at turning on my ignore button and when that fails I just give the middle finger wave. Thanks for sharing! I was like two inches from my laptop screen, lol!

Amy Nicole said...


Char said...

Good for you! A lot more men would benefit from this, and maybe realize what pigs they can be. Hopefully keeping their crude comments to themselves the next time they see a pretty lady, or ladies, walking down the street.

Anonymous said...

You are full of great stories lately, you blonde shit-talker. Here I am cheering for you, a dozen years after the fact!

veee said...

once a man was walking toward me, with a sneer with sneery words to match...i can't remember what he was saying, but i remember the angry, unpredictable energy he exuded and i was scared...i was just getting out of my car, i was on a lonely street and my brain was scrambling with what to do because he was getting pretty close...i don't know where it came from, but (and i'm sorry if i offend anyone) i began to act deaf...i moved my hands in fast, crazy ways and imitated best i could the sound of someone talking who is deaf...i could see he was taken aback and it was just what i needed to not interact anymore, take that moment it gave me as he processed what was happening, and get the heck out of dodge...which i did...

Sunny Rising Leather said...


I just died from loving you.

Kelly said...

Oh what an awesome re-living of a great story...feel as though I was at that very intersection in PA just grinning and nodding my short haired head contently at that sight! a mullet to apropos!
My stories are too numerous to recount...but just think, this gal always has had short hair...which for some reason connects to being a lesbian...the comments and inapropriate assumptions are countless...i did once, run into a very simple minded man (well, way more than once) who proceeded to inquire about one chinese symbol tatoo and what it represented on my, in order to rid myself (I hoped) of him, I proudly proclaimed that it translated to "With penetration...comes desertion..." He was dumbfounded and quickly walked away (at which point I smiled contently at my best friend with a wink and a nod)..
The tatoo actually means 'strength of heart'...ladeeda:)

Sunny Rising Leather said...


your translation was so freaking rad: I wish I would have been there to see the conspiratorial wink!!


Corinna said...

OH MY GOSH!!! The mouth on you! It's FABULOUS!! Sugar and spice and a fist-fulla-getupandgo!!

Oh boy. This story made my day, nay, my week, nay, my life.

You. Are. The. Best!


Recently, I confronted a fellow about his littering [at 3am on a crowded bar-street in Edmonton], and didn't back down even when his friend, beefy and covered in tattoos started getting all up in my face [I may have had a few beers myself by this point]. It got a little dicey there for a bit. I don't recommend it. Yelling from cars is the recommended method in these cases.

amy said...


nova by tess said...

ha ha I love you!
I wish I had a big sister like you to speak up for me when my tongue gets stuck. :o)

DalaHorse said...

He obviously needed a meeting *lol*. I live in the deep heart of red neckdom....where pick up trucks are meaner and bigger than most dinosaurs...swinging a set of brass balls underneath the trailer hitch. He was just trying to get a piece of my princess took the bait but in a most delightful way. Your womanhood cannot be diminished by a chimps(no offense to chimps) monkey calls into the night!

mme. bookling said...

My coworkers have already asked me what is so funny! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

resolute twig said...

You are fantastic!

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Corinna, my love: you are!!!!!!

Tess: I am the little sister: shorter, younger and more sailor-like ;)

Dala: I did take the bait, but I would do it all over again with relish ;) xoxox to you, lady!!

Mme: It ain't no Rilke ;) xoxoxox see you sooooooon!!!

MrsLittleJeans said...

Whew...I am glad you enlightened him and were fast enough to get away...I'd say he is still doing the same but that is his business...sisters sisters ...what things we don't do for each other : )


Anonymous said...

oh this is rich so rich!
I can see it all
funny funny funny
honestly I can't think of any stories right now because i am still entangled in that a-hole's mullet!!!
You made me belly laugh today Allison
thank you for that!

love and light

UmberDove said...

Oh girl.

Twice in my life I have laid men out. Flat out. FLAT 'EFFING OUT with my upper cut. And both time, let me tell you, they had it coming.

In the meantime, I like your mouth.

Lindsey said... I grew up right outside of Pittsburgh and Carson street was like my second home in high school. I can picture this story so clearly and it makes me cry with laughter. Good for you!

tmbarclay said...

I LOVE YOU!!!! You are truly the hero......a girl after my own heart!!!!!!!!

Puck's Mom said...

Thanks to you I peed my pants a little. Just a little. It was worth it!

emmy d said...

Wow. From Pittsburgh myself and I can visualize that entire scenario...sadly how typical of that area. Once while outside of DC with one of my best friends, a car full of hispanic men drove by and started yelling derogetory remarks at us, not thinking that two blonds would understand them. My friend, who had just returned from 8 months in Spain and was near-fluent, unleashed such a torrent of words back at them in Spanish that you could literally see their jaws drop and complete silence hit their car. It was fabulous.

Danielle said...

omg thanks for the laugh! good for you! i love the shiny turd comment, i literally laughed out loud at my desk. its interesting how men can actually get offended when you don't respond to their ridiculous comments! great story!