Tuesday, January 10, 2012

How We Are

I've wanted to write here every day and
share the joy or the concern therein
but I've been learning that I can't;

instead I've worked like a madwoman, escaping into ever widening circles and patterns on leather and metal.

It's roller coaster enough here in my heart, I am certainly not going to
get you all excited and then crash you over and over again.

This is all to say that we are full of highs and lows, and instead of growing frustrated with them, I am trying with all my grit (and I am gritty as all hell)
to have patience.

Yesterday we took a calculated risk considering the state of Jones's heart
and went to the vet for a fluid tap to see if we could get him more comfortable.

1.5 liters of fluid were drained; I know, I know it seems impossible...
he was a champ all through the process, outwardly calm and patient with everyone involved
and the level of comfort that he is experiencing now is amazing as compared to before the visit:

he greeted me at the door today when I came home from a walk.
I picked him up as I've always done and he laid his head on my shoulder as if he were normal
except there was no purring
and he has that haunted look of one not well
but I celebrated anyway
in my heart;
balloons, chocolate cake, one more moment of normalcy with my little man.

Heavens, don't let me cling!!

Janey has been such a good girl through all of this,
a dedicated darling nearly always perched on my lap.

She spends the day with me in my studio, enjoying the big comfy chair
as Jones gets the couch all to himself, a coup!

Something of significance that this time of weighty decisions
has gifted us with:

I have been unsure of the difference between instinct and fear in my heart of late;
the masquerade ball is in full effect, and just when I've convinced myself that something is so definitely instinct
it rips off its mask and shouts, "Aha!! Fear wins again!"
in an upper-crust British accent, drunk with glee!

Oh, dear....

so when it came to the decision to tap the fluids, I deferred to my husband who was passionately for it: I would rather we had regret than resentment,
wondering what could have been if we had only tried...

Partnership is amazing that way; when you falter, there is someone else there to help
things balance out and vice versa.

So that is where we are, this is the state of things...
constantly in flux
given to random bouts of joy and fitful tears,
considering the lightness and weight of the daily
with as much grace as our prayers afford.

We are well, we are tougher than we knew (both two and four-legged)
and perhaps that
is the miracle we've hoped for all along.

With Love,


UmberDove said...

You are ALL a constant in my thoughts these day. BC checks FB to keep me updated, I check here to keep him. We're here. And I'm glad you shared today.

MrsLittleJeans said...

It really is great to see you all...and you are all in our prayers ...xxx

Sunny Rising Leather said...


The painting, it arrived and I am in AWE. Pictures could never do its soul any justice....I feel you near;thank you for your spirit!!!

Mona, I sure do wish I could pop down to Pasadena for a decaf with you...sign :)


Cat said...

thank you for the up date beautiful lady
you look amazing btw!!! loven' that beautiful belly

life is like that isn't in
ups and downs...sometime seven sideways
we roll with the celebrations and grieve with the losses...it is a good life

Love and Light

Sybil Ann said...

Love is patient and strong. Love abides.

J said...

Sunny. I'm usually more of a lurker than a comment leaver, but resolved this year to reach out to those who have touched me with the thoughts and words they share.

At the same time, I have found myself checking your blog more frequently. To see how you, and your family, are doing. To learn from and be inspired by the love and grace contained in each post.

You are all in my thoughts often. And if it is at all consoling - the resilience of loved animals (furbabies!) even in the most foreboding circumstances can be astounding when combined with love, faith, and patience. A dear friend's cat was diagnosed with complete renal failure, yet lived for almost two more years (without unfair loss
of quality to life) albeit with treatment and much love....

MrsLittleJeans said...

And you will, for sure...maybe next time with your baby xx

Brandi said...

I had originally found you through The Plume.
I agree much with "J", I'm usually just a lurker, but am also trying to do more to reach out and really touch humanity more, in myself and others.
I've read your words now and again, and delight and wonder at how you pour so much of you into work and words. You're beautiful.
I am glad for your joy, and so sorry for your pain. Be well.
Former lurker,

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Cat and Sybil, I adore you both xoxo.

J and Brandi, welcome and thank you so much for taking the time to leave such lovely words for us: it really does mean the world.


Nancy*McKay said...

BIGhug for you sweet lady
you are in my thoughts as well!

ha, just cracked open my fortune cookie left over from last night & it reads:

~keep on keeping on~

okay, a bit unpoetic
but the message is clear.


Amanda said...

So glad to read Jones is still comfortable and chipper. I know he's a cat I've never met and have only read about but I feel very invested in that sweet face. Y'all are very much in my thoughts.

gallerydarrow said...

I'm sorry to read this Allison but so happy your loving husband is there for you.

Wising you more gentle days, xo Ro

MJ said...

Wishing you peace and many deep breaths as you move through this. How loved your animals are and I hope they feel it deeply in their little hearts.

ps. belly bump is adorable

RosyRevolver said...

Thinking of you and stretching out a hug from these east coast arms.

Hang tight, my love.