Monday, October 31, 2011

Once More, With Feeling

For the third time in four years, I find myself strapped in
to a Holter monitor to track my heartbeats for 24 hours.

With each instance they have become more and more user friendly:
this one is 5 electrodes and a battery pack around the neck - hooray!!!

On my way home from the appointment, I got run out of my lane
on a two-lane left turn with a solid white line (which means stay in your lane according to the DMV)
and
I rolled my window down to tell the woman she was driving dangerously
and explain California traffic laws
only to have her defend her driving angrily and speed off on a green
going 50 MPH in a 30 zone.

I got my first 'diary entry' for a palpitation from that
experience, so I guess....yay?

But mostly it made me sad, extremely sad.
I want to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they've been
given, I want to have compassion...

We don't seem to realize how we damage those around us:
to her I was a bitch who tried to tell her how to drive
and she may never think twice about that turn until someday someone
next to her doesn't notice her car drift into their lane.

To me, she was a threat to myself, my baby...

We are at war.

So very many of us are at war.

What if she and I would have met instead at the bagel shop down the street?
Perhaps she would have held the door for me
and I would have offered a smile in return,
a warm exchange on a different plane:
I bet she has a lovely side.

All I know is this: tonight she is my tonglen partner
and I will wish her well with all my might.

Maybe tonight you might offer a bit of care for someone whose best is simply not good enough for you, wishing them the strength and courage we all need to get through this
wonderful terrible life.


With love,
Allison


13 comments:

Jenn said...

It is amazing how a steel cage allows us the anonymity to act in ways we would not normally act in person. Your perspective an attitude are refreshing. Your instincts will serve you well in your next chapter of life!

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Jenn,
Seriously: it's like we are in little Sherman Tanks and we are on opposite sides of the battle field. Thank you so much for your kind words: I appreciate them so much.
xo,
Allison

Brooke said...

I'm wearing a Holter monitor, too! I hope your doctors find from yours what they need, and that mine do, too. *high five* :)

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Brooke!!!! What are the odds, woman??!! This deserves some sort of a massive high five. Let's rock the electrodes ;)
xoxoxo,
A

bonddi said...

Your ability to forgive is amazing! I suffer from anxiety so I know how those close calls can send you to the edge, especially once you have been in a car collision. Congrats on the little boy, and I love the name Orion. I try to look at the constellation at least once a week in winter, so bold and comforting. Keep your smile on and have some candy, it is Halloween. BOO!

Cat said...

you are a wise lovely woman
I like what Jenn wrote...so true

love and light

genie marie said...

NOW you're just freaking me out!! I too, have been forced to wear the latest and greatest in Holter fashion. My heart is just broken sometimes-no explanation.*sigh* (tll me something i dont know!) I do hope your palpitations go *poof*. Away I say...like bad drivers. Goodness knows Seattle has the WORST driving Ive ever seen. xo

Louise said...

I hope that there is nothing wrong with your heart.... perhaps it's so full that it's overloaded? My little sister has three heartbeats at the moment!!!!

MrsLittleJeans said...

Take care of yourself Allison and don't worry...Kitty will take care of you : )

xxoo

Lynsey Phelps - VerreEncore said...

Very true, Jenn: "It is amazing how a steel cage allows us the anonymity to act in ways we would not normally act in person. "

I especially worry when my husband commutes 25 miles on bike. It's suddenly car vs. cycle, and some people have it out for cyclists... despite not knowing the PERSON riding their bike. Heaven help people trying to get from one place to another ;)

A, what a interesting thought... how would your paths and interactions be different having "bumped in to" each other in another setting.
Trust those instincts. While it is unsettling to be scolded, yelled at, or disregarded (especially when your safety, and the baby's are in question), not to mention when you're in the right... people should know when their actions affect others. If everyone held each others lives with value, we could accept when we are wrong and acknowledge change.

I've made mistakes on the road, but I'm always apologetic and learn... even when the party is giving me the bird.

keep Sunny! hope your heart is healthy xxx

Katie said...

Driving seems to bring out the worst in most people. I commend you for not reacting to her reaction. Thank you for reminding me that there are truely kind people out there, Allison

Cat said...

I linked up to this post here:
http://loveandlight-cat.blogspot.com/2011/11/storytelling.html

you are a light
love and light

Amanda said...

It's so hard to maintain a sense of compassion when the other person is doing something dangerous and being ugly about it. Your attitude is really lovely. I've got a ways to go before I get there myself but I'm working on it. :)

Hope your heart is healthy!