Monday, July 13, 2009

Super Vulnerable City, Batman....

I am having a strange time with the aging process. Those of you who are over forty are liable to chuckle at that sentence, and that's ok. Those of you who are under thirty might not quite get where I am and that, too, is just fine.
Please be kind.

I am at that point where the train of my shining, powerful youth is just beginning to chug slowly and surely out of the station:
Skin that was once taut gives a bit more than it did two or three years ago... weight that used to come off with the slightest hint of cardiovascular oomph is stubbornly hanging on through six days of exercise per week.... fat that was once a luscious curve on a hip or rib is dimpling.
The scale numbers are going up even though my diet has been even healthier lately.... my body is new to me and I am judging it harshly in a way I would NEVER judge anyone around me.

I am not sure how to feel about that, how many phases there are between here and the amazing crone I picture myself being at ninety with lessons to teach and peace in my heart....
Will I fight the years with injections and surgeries? Even as I write that I smile because I know I won't.

Will I look at younger women with envy and sour thoughts? Will I graciously allow my body to be a bit rounder, softer or will I impose stricter regulations on what I eat, how much I exercise?

Will I squeeze all the joy out of my life with worry? Will I simply let time and God work their magic and mold me into a compassionate, mature being?

I am so completely full of questions and so void of answers about all of these things, having recently stepped out of my bullet-proof twenties.

I would love your thoughts on how to walk these steps we will all/ have all walked gracefully. Please be kind, I am feeling very vulnerable.


Rochelle said...

Well I'm 55 and when it comes to aging I plan to do it. This is the first time I've responded to a blog and the first week I've decided to write one myself. Every ten years you hit a milestone and things do change about you body but your mind is the place you wouldn't trade with any younger self. There's always someone older than you that would gladly exchange bodies but that isn't possible. Besides look what all that surgery did for Michael Jackson. I'm not saying give up just celebrate the more meaningful things in life.

Runs4fun said...

Though not a poster of public comments, methinks you are worthy of an exception;)

Yes---I smiled (if not a little wryly) at your words. The 'symptoms' are all-too-familiar.

How does one navigate it graciously? being your gracious self of course! You radiate a gentle kindness and a deliciously positive attitude. I guess I think you're more than half-way there!

Some little secrets...that should be shared far and wide are things like:

Like yourself! You are so likeable, it'll be easy!

Go and stand in the centre of a crowd. Spin...any which way you please and look outward...rather than inward---and you'll find...only yards away, in any direction---someone less fortunate. Someone who does not have their health. Someone who is lonely. Someone who has had a truly hard life. We nevever have to look far---to be reminded of the many things we have that make our cups overflow;)

One of my greatest sources of from the youngest person I know. A woman who is 90 (and a half) years young. She suffers from cancer. She suffers from renal failure. She never stops smiling and she never complains. Ever. She takes hold of each day and lives it fully.

That woman is my mother.

Peace and love to you.

From the one who will soon be wearing her 'Trust' ring;)

angie said...

i'm right there with you. turning 30 hit me harder than i thought it would, emotionally and apparently physically. and now i'm noticing i jiggle in places i never thought would jiggle. my face is not as smooth. bring on the miracle creams! but look at the world around us, even all those beautiful celebs are aging, but you can't tell unless you're up close. that is the secret! no mirrors or cameras within 10 feet.

btw, here's a little envy from me to you. you have the most gorgeous neck. i noticed it while browsing your etsy shop. you are the perfect model for your necklaces. and then your vox cd cover is just delicious.

Two Bees said...

My husband turned 50 last year...know what that means? (I'm not too far behind...that hit me.) We don't have kids so we don't see ourselves aging along with them. (Do cat's wrinkle...I can't tell?) While I was in class last week another student and I were discussing our parents and she said to me "just don't stop". I look at my in-laws and they are the picture of what I wish for Jeff and I. They volunteer, do yoga, take care of others, as well as each other and themselves. You will know when too much is...too much. Take care of you and those around you! You can smile as you write because you will become who you are and you will be happy with yourself, we can all tell.

Kikii said...

I'm actually in my twenties and understand how you feel. I experienced a scary health episode and having come out the other side, have noticed that my "armor" isn't as thick in places as it once was. I totally understand your nervousness. Still, it's amazing just how our bodies keep trucking!
I think that the key to living longer and prettier is to make time for others and yourself, and to be as kind to yourself as you are to the world around you. I know; easier said than done!

Sunny Rising Leather said...


I am absolutely enthralled with your responses and so deeply grateful for the community I find myself a part of here.
The fact that you are sharing such beautiful advice and stories just makes everything make more sense.

I adore you all.

susie said...

I am right there with you - somewhere between 30 and 40. I find that the weight piles on much easier and comes off with much more of a fight than it once did. I have made dietary changes only to find that with them I am only maintaining, not losing. Even with a slathering of sunblock every day I still keep getting more freckles (age spots?- Lord help me!). Truth be told, I have never handled anything much in my life very gracefully. This I do know though-there is a joy to be found in the acceptance of where I am today and in the unconditional love I can try and offer to myself. I am trying to learn to treat myself with the kindness I would one of my children or my mother or my best friend (if that doesn't work might I suggest a margarita and a radio turned up full blast - always makes me feel young again, especially those 80s classics!)

Nancy*McKay said...

...and with age comes...forgiveness...

Rochelle said...

And with age comes acceptance and that's a beautiful gift.

Ann from Montana said...

What wonderful and beautiful comments and good for me to read and listen to. I have little to add...As I approach my 54th birthday I am happier, more content, more comfortable in my own skin with each year. I have more questions and fewer answers and am ok with not knowing and living each day. I chose so much of what my life is like and I'm grateful to have been able to do that.

All of that and yet some days, when I look in the mirror and see the older me or a pair of jeans, a top, a dress does not fit the way it used can cause me to stumble.

So, I put on a pretty that someone - you, even :)! - has made- something made with love and I feel like a "girl", I regain my footing and remember that it is character I admire in others and character I love in myself.

...and sometimes I just take a whiskey to the front porch and sit there and enjoy it - because I can!

Ultimately, we each have to find a balance that works for us and to allow ourselves a bit of being off balance every once in awhile. It is part of the journey.

RosyRevolver said...

Your post and everyone's comments has been the most worthwhile reading I've done in awhile. I'm twenty-six but went through a sort of "quarter-life" crisis last year after turning twenty five. Asking questions like, "Am I where I planned to be at this age," "Do I like who I've become?" and on and on. I think in some ways it's a female thing. But you, Miss Allison, are so lovely in every way. You give girls like me hope. And I must say, you have quite the collection of amazing readers by your side.

Sunny Rising Leather said...

ladies, geez.... what did I ever do to have such amazing friends whose faces I only see through this box... can we all meet somewhere and get pizza and discover life's secrets together?

I think we'd figure a lot out.....


Dave said...

Gracious... should a guy venture into this comment stream? Why not, aren't I one of the ladies yet?

Ok... here goes something that suprises most people who meet Lori and I... I'm seven years younger than her. And true love sees thru so many short comings that mere mortals notice.

We started dating when she was 27 and I was 20... I'd do it again. Oh sure there are younger women that I still admire... but that's the extent... I think living with someone who has true love in their heart truly is special. Ok if it wasn't Lori, I'm pretty confident now that I would find some other woman... because usually 75% of the women have that special love inside, where my experience about 25% of the guys try to have it... HA..

Not sure if that helps, but in a different day a different time, I would have considered my self lucky to stand in your shadow for ages, even as the skin we live in changes. I'm pretty sure Anthony feels the same way...

Peace, and don't worry not even 1% of the younger women you will see in your future can sing as fine as you.


angie said...

i turn 50 this year and i finished my first triathlon last sunday. you would not guess by looking at me that i am now a triathlete, but i am. it is now one of the ways i define myself.

i struggle with many of the things you posted, and don't have any answers for you. but my answers wouldn't work for you anyway! i love your blog and have you on my google reader. take heart, you will only improve, i just know it!


daily coyote said...

Hi Sunny!

First, you're gorgeous.

Second, TOTALLY know where you're coming from (I am 32....) For me, it's the skin tone - I look at my 12-year-old friends and in my head I think, you have NO IDEA how lucky you ARE with that SKIN! So funny.

Raw food is a magical help - keep going with the raw milk - raw fats are great for your bod and aren't processed (held) the same way as refined fats.....


ps. You're gorgeous!