Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Nothing is Mine

Not my Husband
nor my cats
neither my parents or my sister
nor my designs.

They are all their own
with places in the universe and cells that vibrate their own thoughts.
Even things have thoughts, of this I am sure.

Today leaves me groundless, sad and heavy yet Completely alright. The above are good things to realize.

The place I've gone home to for 32 years will no longer be 'home' and I have no time to go and say goodbye to it: would it really be helpful for a sentimental heart like mine?

I would wander street to street blubbering my remembrances and leaving my snot all over Pittsburgh.

I would be an opaque demi-ghost, wishing to cling tight to the last remnants of same before change bulldozes the set pieces in my play.

You must understand how deeply unsettled my life was before I began this blog:
the places I lived numbering in the teens within an 8 year span, the boyfriends I dated and broke up with, the jobs I kept and lost and the dreams I followed down the strangest roads...
and all through it, there was Pennsylvania, shining beacon of sanity and consistency.

When I go to visit family, I will not know all of the streets like the back of my hand: I, too, will experience this confusing shift in cars, on foot.
The getting lost: the figuring it out
the feeling of victory and new neural paths being carved.

I will no longer need to borrow the car in the evenings to see my friends and smoke with them on the back porch. Writing that makes me cry - oh, Annie.
Oh, Sammy...
Oh, Emily...

Oh, the familiar, the history, the weaving channels of our lives....

.
.
.

I am grateful to yoga for teaching me that all I have is this moment, this breath:
anything else is just an illusion I choose to hold.

Nothing is mine

Not my Body
Nor a City
Not my Husband
nor my cats
neither my parents or my sister
nor my designs.

They are all their own
with places in the universe and cells that vibrate their own thoughts.
Even things have thoughts, of this I am sure.




18 comments:

Heather Fawn said...

:( Sending good vibes to a heavy heart...
I'm sorry Allison. The one thing that is yours....your memories. Memories of home, memories of car rides & smoking with your friends on porches, memories of familiar streets.... Those will always be yours, you lived them, you created them, now and in the future you can always just sit, breathe, and look back on all of the great and maybe not so great times and keep those memories... Chapters in your life. I hope those memories take a little weight off of a heavy heart♥
(((Hugs)))

Nialah said...

*hugs* As others have said you will always have your memories and that's something no one can take away from you.
*raises a cup of tea and a cupcake* to memories old and new and to experiencing more memorable moments in a life well lived

xoxoxo

Michele

mme. bookling said...

I linger here with you tonight...nibbling these thoughts, heavy with the great burden and joy of living...at ease...in only the now.

LumiDesigns said...

and on the other hand - everything is yours because YOU ARE EVERYTHING there is in this Universe!

Anonymous said...

Memories are for holding and keeping and sharing with others (something you know I do all the time). And don't forget to celebrate what you have had. But what's to come is to be experienced. Look forward with the eyes of a child ready to be amazed by the new. Your family is where your heart is, where your roots are and where they are so are your tomorrows full of new memories for sharing. As my daughter-in-love I look forward to all the new we will share as the future unfolds. My love surrounds. Mama2

Anaya said...

Ah, lovely .. I gather things are moving more quickly than you expected? *HUGS* don't worry .. not only will you always have the memories of this place, but you will also have the friendships. No matter where you are, or where I am, we can still get together and share a whisky and a smoke and laugh over old times *smiles*

I've always admired you for how strong you are, weathering all those changes with humor and love and a positive spirit .. you will weather this too.

*HUGS* and *LOVE*

Good Girls Studio said...

I read this was a heavy heart. I felt the same way when my parents moved. It gets better...home is where the heart is...cheesy I know, but true none the less ;)

{hugs}

DalaHorse said...

The old made you who you are today...the new will make you who you are tomorrow. Embrace it...shed what tears you need to shed...but know it's in your heart forever!

DalaHorse said...

The old made you who you are today...the new will make you who you are tomorrow. Embrace it...shed what tears you need to shed...but know it's in your heart forever and unique unto yourself!
☼☀

susie said...

Oh, I feel you with this one. So well stated. I remember crying helping my parents move from my childhood home. The old neighborhood is so different now with nobody left, the businesses gone. It makes me wonder if that place that built me up where I come from really ever existed at all.

emmy d said...

As another transplanted Pittsburgh girl, I understand the heaviness of feeling like you have lost a place. While there are many places I love, none of them are as HOME as Pittsburgh is. I know I will feel the same the day my parents move away. Each year I have less and less people to go back to, but the city is always there. It will always be a part of you as it will always be a part of me. I love it like a sister. And what would we be without a bit of bittersweet in our lives? I wouldn't love places so much if I didn't come away with an ache for them.

What part of Pittsburgh are you from? (If you don't mind sharing - if you do I understand!) I'm from the east end - hence the name of my blog being PointSquirrelSide. :)

MrsLittleJeans said...

Know what you are saying...Nothing is yours but in saying that all truly becomes yours. When I lose a place I like to think that someone else needed that place to create their own memories...I need to find new places. Sending you lots of love! xoxoxo

CrowNology said...

Beautiful.
Thoughtful.
Thank you.
xo
Andrea
{I've missed so many of your posts, I can't wait to come by with a coffee after the dust settles...You make me smile even after posts like this bring tears to my eyes...}

sensitiveartist said...

wow. your mom-in-love is kind of awesome.

Nancy*McKay said...

ohhh i know how you feel...& experience those deep, deep attachments too...i get rope burns from hanging on...each time i fail to let go & risk losing the meaning of {its} essence...

your home has helped shape you & given you many, many gifts...although you must let go of it now in the physical sense...you will continue to know, honor, & believe in its shining beacon...& take with you its essence...while making way for other gifts yet unimagined! xoxo

Barns burnt down
now
I can see the moon. ~Masahide

Alice Istanbul said...

I love you, Allison, for how authentic you are. I've never met you, or talked to you on the phone. I just know you through your blog, and I am so grateful for it! You have a way with words that touches my soul and brings tears to my eyes. I'm sending you comforting thoughts from afar. xo xo xo

Ann from Montana said...

Not negating the sadness nor loss with the growing up home changing, but I have to say that I believe one of the MOST valuable lessons we have to learn and to embrace is what you said...nothing is ours. And if we try to make things ours, there is greater heartache than if we love those things that are with us for however long we have with them, cherish the time and sometimes the memory.

A loose hold...

jentwo said...

Oh goodness! I can't imagine what it would be like if my parents moved from the home I grew up in. They've been there 30 years, and I was only 3 when we moved in. I've actually had several dreams over the last year or two, in which they've sold the house and are moving somewhere else. I don't look forward to the day when that will happen for real.