Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Great Handoff


Here goes another photo-less post, dedicated to the
inner workings of the brain, heart and soul
I currently house.

I've been nesting quite a bit lately, in between lying on the couch, sleeping
and taking short walks:

there is thick, awful maroon paint in the bathroom - little Mama is peeling that right off, slowly but surely.
.
Organizing tidbits around the house and selling things I no longer use
.
Finishing projects, oh blessed day! That feels good...

Something interesting that's been occurring is the inner nesting, the inner-cleansing:

I've thought long and hard about the day that my little one will come to me with a problem: a child who's being mean to them, a difficult playground companion, their instinct that something feels 'off', etc...
How will I respond?

When one thinks of the people in their life, it all boils down to boundaries, love and compatability; even if a relationship is healthy in all three areas,
there is bound to be a moment that Anthony and I refer to as "Handing off your Shit,"
where one person in a less-than-fantastic mood or life-space will
effectively hand a steaming pile to someone they love,
conscious or un.

When the recipient of that terrible gift is left holding the burden,
they cannot help but sink a bit under the weight:
the cranky husband who says something biting to his happy wife
normally leaves her feeling...sore!

While he may find a lightening of his mood as the day progresses, she wonders why there's a pall of sadness over the activities she was looking forward to -

the Great Handoff has taken place
without the words to help either digest what just transpired:
one person has a bit less burden, the other an unexpected load.

I've been working on this concept in my own life for quite a long time
with those I love the most
but the cumbersome first trimester has helped me (thank goodness!)
understand that in ALL areas of my life
I need not hold out my hand when the energy feels off:

Someone may tell you bright things, speak in a chipper and delightful tone
about places and people you love,
ask if they can employ your services
offer to help with something you badly need
but if you can feel energetically like they're about to hand you something they don't want to carry
it is utterly and completely your choice as to how you proceed.

The most important thing is how you feel:
are your hackles raised?
Does your stomach feel like it dropped?
Does an inquiry send you someplace dark and cold?

For me, it has been a blessing to be brought low by fatigue and nausea
because it forces me to see the very basic structure of
things

to feel the intrinsic energy of people
and places
(So much so that I feel compelled to tell you that I am available for readings! ;) )

and because the pie cart of possibility has been so reduced,
I've been forced to choose what nourishes every time

and to politely decline
what I know is a steaming pile of shit,
even though it's been dressed up in cashmere.

There has been a great relief in knowing that I can restructure my response to life
even as I become an "old dog" - it gives me so much faith in the future
as I move to give a lot of time and energy to another little being -
my learning 'center' is still functioning, still strong.

I want to tell my child to trust their instincts,
to remove themself from what feels bad or ill no matter what words are used
no matter how pretty the candy
and I feel like my sage advice will ring hollow
unless I have the strength to do the very same thing.

I want to be a light of courage and discernment for someone I've not yet met:
I will continue to work at this
with compassion and care.

What are you working on?

xoxox,
Allison

16 comments:

Amy Nicole said...

This is the hardest part as a parent that I've run into. It is so hard to explain to an all loving child why someone is mean, or breaks the rules, or treats someone badly. Especially when they've been taught that isn't the thing to do...that you should treat all people with kindness... It's hard to understand as an adult. I don't know how they wrap their little minds around it, and I don't know if what I say is right, or wrong. If it makes it better or worse. Argghhh! It can be agonizing. I tell you. Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever have. It sounds so cliche, but it is so true. Your child is lucky to have such a thoughtful Mother!

On a different note, I took a class today with NC Black, and Andrea was wearing one of your feather cuffs and leather feather necklaces with the most gorgeous silver work... I recognized your work right away! It was a cool feeling.. :-)

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Amy,

Thank you for this: what a beautiful response!!!
I believe it will be hard, so hard, but still I am looking forward to it :)

Andrea and Les!!!! You must have had a blast!!!

xoxox,
Allison

Naomi Mimi said...

such precious wisdom from a mommy-to-be. we all need to remember to strip down, even though it hurts, and take things for what they *truly* are and not what we want them to be.

i am working on honoring my instincts, putting my time and energy into people who are sincerely loving and will feed my soul as i offer my friendship as food for their heart. staying true to my dreams and trusting the universe to bring the beautiful to me as i honor what is beautiful in the world and in my life.

and you are beautiful, you lovely woman :)

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Mimi!!!!

You are beautiful, too. Adoring you from afar!

xo,
A

CrashingBison said...

Oh, I love you Allison! Such a great perspective! :)
I could have used this post last week when I offered my friendly services and connections to a co-worker as a nice gesture, thinking that we have many things in common...and then I totally got taken advantage of (we obviously have NOTHING in common). I felt the shackles tighten as I realized the situation had turned to shit, all on my end of course. Not nice at all. I give ONE chance and that's that. Boundaries. I'm alll about boundaries now!!! lol! And yet sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to offer!! hmmm.... definitely something else to ponder...
Hope you're dealing with the 1st trimester as best as you can! XOXO

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Vita,

I love you, too, Beauty!!!
Honestly, the whole idea of being so generous is something that is second nature to me, too: being discerning and careful is new and kind of exciting: thank you so much for your wonderful response!

xoxox,
Allison

bonddi said...

Your child will be hurt and the best thing you can ever do is just listen. Validate the feelings without minimizing their distress. This is something I work on daily. As a parent, any hurt slices deeper in us, or is just not convenient. We deal with this by trying to make a child feel better by saying it's not that bad, or listen what I went through, or dismissing them with it's just a scrape, etc. Acknowledge the feeling, embrace it, examine it, talk about it, and let them know they are perfectly entitled to their own sadness, rage, envy, hurt, terror, etc. Once they feel comfortable because you feel comfortable talking about it, the overwhelming terror is calmed and healing can began.

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Bonddi,
As always you are eloquent, wise and spot on: thank you so much for this wonderful advice - sage, indeed.

xoxox,
A

CrashingBison said...

Ahhh, yes, second nature...it definitely takes time to hone these skills!
Looking forward to some baby bump pics..... ;)

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Vita: currently between the stage where I look like I overindulged at a burrito buffet and the development of a real and distinct baby belly - so exiting!!

CrashingBison said...

ahahah! I hear ya!! Soon, soon! ;D

kerin rose said...

Not much time to write this time ( first day w/ kiddies to day!) but......wondering when I can sign up for my reading?! he he!)......

am posting this up on my board in my shop...so I can read and re read and really integrate it into my being...
j'adore burpy one!

oooh my word verification is premodha...soundslike a meditation word!

Lynsey Phelps - VerreEncore said...

we cannot always carry the burden of others. and those boundaries are crucial to maintaining our own well-being.

as a beginning therapist, whose job it is to "help" people with their issues/worries/situations/moods, i've found practicing self-care is so important. we all need to keep our cups filled.

it seems easy to get caught up in the negativity projected from others... and takes mindfulness to recognize that we each contain power to steer our own ships. just because there are blocks in our road doesn't mean we must try to plow through. we can decide to go around, over, under, or a new direction all together.

mama, thanks for all your perspective! what an honest dialogue.

i'm working on filling my own cup. doing things which feed my soul. simple and rewarding. challenging and bonding thoughts and experiences

MrsLittleJeans said...

My goodness, if becoming a mom was key to such wisdom I would have tried harder : )

No seriously, you have expressed such thoughts, I think some of them I have experienced ... I usually, and where it matters, don't let someone transfer their load on to me. In other cases I don't care, they roll off my back.

You will be an incredible mom, I have no doubt. You are strong and beautiful. So true that sometimes one needs the slow time to become strong and sometimes one needs to be running to become strong.

I already said that you were wonderful, right?

xoxo

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Lynsey,

This was lovely to read, love that you are leaning to have boundaries: given that it's professional to boot, that must be extra challenging: it's not like you can just simply 'walk away' -
I admire your fortitude.

And I toast my cup to yours :)

xoxoxox,
Allison

Sunny Rising Leather said...

Mona my Love,

What a gift to be able to let things roll off the back: My mom always tried to teach me that growing up, but I was a sucker for loving everyone ;)

YOU are wonderful :)
xoxoxox