Here goes another photo-less post, dedicated to the
inner workings of the brain, heart and soul
I currently house.
I've been nesting quite a bit lately, in between lying on the couch, sleeping
and taking short walks:
there is thick, awful maroon paint in the bathroom - little Mama is peeling that right off, slowly but surely.
Organizing tidbits around the house and selling things I no longer use
Finishing projects, oh blessed day! That feels good...
Something interesting that's been occurring is the inner nesting, the inner-cleansing:
I've thought long and hard about the day that my little one will come to me with a problem: a child who's being mean to them, a difficult playground companion, their instinct that something feels 'off', etc...
How will I respond?
When one thinks of the people in their life, it all boils down to boundaries, love and compatability; even if a relationship is healthy in all three areas,
there is bound to be a moment that Anthony and I refer to as "Handing off your Shit,"
where one person in a less-than-fantastic mood or life-space will
effectively hand a steaming pile to someone they love,
conscious or un.
When the recipient of that terrible gift is left holding the burden,
they cannot help but sink a bit under the weight:
the cranky husband who says something biting to his happy wife
normally leaves her feeling...sore!
While he may find a lightening of his mood as the day progresses, she wonders why there's a pall of sadness over the activities she was looking forward to -
the Great Handoff has taken place
without the words to help either digest what just transpired:
one person has a bit less burden, the other an unexpected load.
I've been working on this concept in my own life for quite a long time
with those I love the most
but the cumbersome first trimester has helped me (thank goodness!)
understand that in ALL areas of my life
I need not hold out my hand when the energy feels off:
Someone may tell you bright things, speak in a chipper and delightful tone
about places and people you love,
ask if they can employ your services
offer to help with something you badly need
but if you can feel energetically like they're about to hand you something they don't want to carry
it is utterly and completely your choice as to how you proceed.
The most important thing is how you feel:
are your hackles raised?
Does your stomach feel like it dropped?
Does an inquiry send you someplace dark and cold?
For me, it has been a blessing to be brought low by fatigue and nausea
because it forces me to see the very basic structure of
to feel the intrinsic energy of people
(So much so that I feel compelled to tell you that I am available for readings! ;) )
and because the pie cart of possibility has been so reduced,
I've been forced to choose what nourishes every time
and to politely decline
what I know is a steaming pile of shit,
even though it's been dressed up in cashmere.
There has been a great relief in knowing that I can restructure my response to life
even as I become an "old dog" - it gives me so much faith in the future
as I move to give a lot of time and energy to another little being -
my learning 'center' is still functioning, still strong.
I want to tell my child to trust their instincts,
to remove themself from what feels bad or ill no matter what words are used
no matter how pretty the candy
and I feel like my sage advice will ring hollow
unless I have the strength to do the very same thing.
I want to be a light of courage and discernment for someone I've not yet met:
I will continue to work at this
with compassion and care.
What are you working on?