I sit here in my parent's house, Minneapolis, MN
Tapping away at this older keyboard in hopes of eloquently sharing news of an impending life change: I know that it won't come out with the grace and charm I wish, simply because
I am waist deep in the kind of nausea that makes you pray
but mainly leaves you feeling as though you're stuck in molasses
and a bit of danger!
Two days after I made the fertility totem ring I took my third and final
after the first two came back negative
(I purchased them from Whole Foods - who does that???)
I knew something was different with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it:
I didn't feel sick
but I found myself caring less and less about petty shit
standing in my kitchen feeling
grow down out of the soles of my feet into Mother Nature's bloodstream.
"Whoa!", I'd exclaimed,
like Bill or Ted on a whole new Excellent Adventure...
I chatted up the checkout folks at the grocery store without blushing
found compassion bubbling up
and the impossibility of having enemies
moreso than ever before
because no rancor could touch this love I felt.
I figured it was the Tibetan Heart Yoga finally kicking in after nearly a year
the fruits of meditation
something clear, generous and warm had given me a gift
and it would seem a pregnancy test,
hastily purchased at the corner 7-11 (we keep our preg test purchases classy, you can see!) by my husband that Thursday morning
would shed all the light I needed to see.
It's a baby!
With a heartbeat that
left Anthony and I breathless and moved to tears last week when it
pulsed its stong sound across the confines of my womb to a waiting device...
I suffer for carrying:
the first trimester is tough going in some ways,
but I feel like I've joined some sort of unofficial club
whose members number the trillions
I am touching a beautiful commonality
with some of my best girlfriends
and total strangers.
I know I should wait until I am at 13 weeks,
but here at 8 I am so overwhelmed with physical challenge
that my work schedule (upon return)
will need tinkering
and you'll need to understand my limited capabilities.
Should anything happen and this tiny soul decide this is not the right fit
as can happen,
I also want my tribe here:
I will not suffer in silence a loss so astute
though I feel a great sense of admiration and love for women and men
who chose that as their path:
it is very brave.
So far I've tried:
Sea Bands (liking them!)
Ginger candies and chews
crackers by the bed
hard sour candies (helpful!)
So far, I am aware that some miracles just simply defy
the normal approach.
I pray alot,
I love with a tearful passion
and I turn my head to God daily in grateful acknowledgement.
I ask, I offer
and for as long as I am allowed by heaven and earth,
I grow this life